


Memento Mori

by snowkind



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Comfort, Drunkenness, Emotional Roller Coaster, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Insecurity, Jealousy, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-08-27 11:54:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8400730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowkind/pseuds/snowkind
Summary: He didn’t think it would be a problem. It never was a problem… until he realized it was too late and he didn’t have enough time left.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know I have so many other works to catch up on, but please bear with me as I direct my attention to other ~~gay~~ things... ( ′͈∨ ‵͈♡)  
>  I have a tentative plan for how I would like this fic to go, but just as a forewarning it goes all the way up to the Grand Prix Finale so this fic will _definitely_ diverge from canon and will more than likely **not** include too many newly introduced characters. As such, from _episode five_ and onwards this fic will not be complying with canon and contains events created from my imagination!
> 
> Please prepare yourself for an emotional roller coaster as the chapters come along, and I hope you enjoy reading!
> 
> I don't own any of the characters unless stated otherwise.
> 
> Love,
> 
> May ( ˘ ³ ˘ )♥
> 
> P.S. The story is most likely embellished with various spelling errors and grammar issues... I tend to overlook a few things while writing and even re-reading! If you happen to spot any problems, please let me know so I may fix it! Thank you!

            “You have to start to take more care of yourself or else you’re really going to run yourself in the ground.”

He sighed. 

            “Yes, yes. I know, you tell me that every day leading up to every competition.”

            “This time I’m serious… Just because you’re fifteen does not mean you know everything….”

He sighed again and tightened the laces of his skates.

            “Yes, yes.”

He didn’t think it would be a problem. It never _was_ a problem… until he realized it was too late and he didn’t have enough time left.

* * *

            “Yuuuuuuuuri!” The warm, dulcet sound of his mother’s voice echoed through the house as she called for him to come eat dinner.

            “I’m coming!”

He laughed dazedly to himself and picked up the large bowl of pork cutlet, his stomach already gurgling and his mouth salivating at the sight of it.

            “Yuuri!”

            “I’m already here, mom!” He laughed softly again to himself and took a large bite. He sighed at the heavenly taste and melted into his chair.

Just as he was about to compliment his mom on her cooking, the whole room seemed to shake. An earthquake?

            “Wake up!! Vicchan is already waiting for you!” His mother was gently shaking him from his sleep.

            “Hn? Hmn…” Yuuri lazily sat up and rubbed at his tired eyes.

            “You mustn’t keep the guest waiting! Get changed soon, okay?” She laughed lightly and gently ruffled Yuuri’s unkempt hair. 

            “Guest? What guest? Did we get a custo—” Yuuri’s eyes widened and his mother just laughed again, kissing him on his forehead before leaving the room.

 _She didn’t mean… was it a dream?… Did V-Victor really…_  

            “Good morning, Yuuri! I was starting to think the little piggy couldn’t get out of bed!”

Yuuri instantly frowned and then felt his heart almost jump out of his throat. He scrambled to feel for his glasses by his pillow and almost fell off his bed in the process. By the time he got his glasses on, his world suddenly materialized into clarity and the first thing he was met with was Victor’s beaming face.

            “V-Victor!” Yuuri exclaimed and cringed a bit when his voice cracked.

            “Yuuri!”

            “…”

            “…”

            “So is the little piggy just going to stay in his room all day?” 

            “N-No! I…I’m getting ready!” Yuuri quickly slid his legs off the side of his bed and this time actually fell to the ground with the sheets tangled around him. Victor burst into a string of hearty laughs and Yuuri felt his cheeks immediately ping up with heat.

            “I hope you’re not this clumsy in the rink.” Victor teased and then bent down to help Yuuri to his feet.

            “Hnnf…” He scooped his arms underneath Yuuri’s and then lifted him up.

Yuuri’s throat went dry when he felt Victor’s strong arms secure and then hoist him up. He was even more embarrassed than anything considering the fact that he had gained _quite_ a bit of weight. Anticipating for Victor to make another joke about his weight, he was surprised when the Russian flashed him a charming grin and then gave him a friendly pat on the back. 

            “Get ready and then we’re going out, okay?”

            “Going out?” Yuuri asked as he sheepishly put his blanket back onto his bed and then adjust his glasses.

            “Yes! As your new coach I feel it is incredibly important that we get to know each other.”

Yuuri opened his mouth as if to respond, but quickly slammed it shut when Victor unexpectedly leaned in. A chill trickled down his spine when Victor’s warm breath danced along the shell of his ear.

            “I’m excited to be able to develop a _deeper_ relationship with you.” 

A blush spread across Yuuri’s face starting from the ear Victor was whispering into, as if his words left a visible trace on his cheeks. 

            “So go get ready, please.”

* * *

 Yuuri almost fell to the ground in astonishment of how ridiculous and childish Victor could actually be. 

            “A-Are you sure you want to do this?” He recovered and nervously carded a hand through his hair. 

Victor eagerly nodded and opened his arms out. Yuuri sighed inaudibly to himself and offered a weak smile. When Victor said that he wanted to “get to know each other”, he thought he meant talking about past skating competitions Yuuri had participated in or what was the highest score he had gotten or what sort of quads he could successfully land. Definitely nothing like... _trust falling_. 

            “Ready?” Victor broke his train and slightly turned his head to see if Yuuri was the proper distance behind him. 

            “Y…Yes.” He supposed he couldn’t really answer anything else. It wasn’t like he could get out of this, and it would most certainly make him seem petty if he couldn’t even do this little thing. 

When he heard Victor inhale softly, he began to unconsciously hold his own breath as the other male started to tilt backwards. A flash of concern suddenly struck Yuuri.

_What if I don’t catch him? What if I’m standing too far? What if he falters and steadies himself out before he even falls because he doesn’t trust me? How can he put so much trust in someone he’s just barely met? What if—_

            “Oof!” The soft grunt escaped Victor’s lips when he landed into Yuuri’s arms.

Yuuri’s heart nearly jumped out of his mouth again when he realized that Victor’s eyes were closed the entire fall and his legs were impossibly straight without a single bend. Did he really trust Yuuri that much? Or was Victor actually just a really reckless guy who put his trust in others without properly thinking about it?

Before he could begin to ask any of these questions, his mind stopped working when Victor opened his eyes. Like a lake so blue and so clear someone could see to the bottom of the deepest part, Yuuri found himself instantly sucked into the man’s eyes. A chill passed through his entire body and then a flame erupted in his face when Victor broke the silence with a short, breathy laugh.

            “Nice catch, Yuuri! You have very sturdy arms!”

Yuuri’s face flushed and he wordlessly helped Victor back to his feet.

            “Your turn now!” The Russian immediately exclaimed, not giving time for Yuuri to recover from his childish blushing.

            “W-Wait, I… I don't think…” Yuuri was nervous. _Embarrassed._ He wasn't a light guy. Especially at this time…

            “Nonsense! This is all about building trust, is it not? Turn around!” Victor grinned, his eyes gleaming bright with excitement and anticipation. 

Yuuri held his breath for a few seconds before finally giving in and sighing.

            “O…Okay, but don't. Er.” 

            “Don't what?”

            “Never mind…” He inhaled slowly through his nose and tentatively turned around.

How could he tell Victor that he shouldn't take his weight lightly and that he was heavier than expected? Though he was sure Victor probably knew already considering his “nickname” for him… Did it make Yuuri feel hurt whenever he called him a pig? Well… Victor wasn't _wrong_ per se, but it wasn't really the nicest thing to call someone.

Yuuri’s stomach wrenched in on itself when he heard Victor cough. He could feel those immeasurably blue eyes piercing his back. A subsequent chill followed and he shuddered underneath his heavy coat.

            “Ready when you are.” Victor sung softly with a hint of a smile in his voice. 

Yuuri straightened out his back and locked his arms by his side.

_It was simple._

He closed his eyes.

_All he had to do was fall._

His legs turned rigid.

_Fall and trust him._

He held his breath.

Trust…

_Victor._

When Yuuri began to feel the beginnings of gravity pull him down, he thought he heard Victor purr the words “Good boy...” low in his throat. He almost faltered mid fall but forced himself to stay rigid, though he cracked his eyes open just to see how close to death by embarrassment he was.

            “Ah.”

Victor looked down at him with an all too familiar grin. He was already comfortably supporting Yuuri up and safe from the ground.

            “I-I…” Yuuri stuttered.

 _I'm not too heavy for you?_ He wanted to ask, and then it hit him.

How ridiculous had he been thinking. This was **Victor Nikiforov**. The living legend who had won _five_ consecutive World Championships, _five_ straight Grand Prix Finals, and _numerous_ European championships. Victor was probably much stronger than he looked. Most figure skaters were like that anyways… but that still didn't change the fact that Yuuri had exceeded the weight of an average figure skater by more than just a couple pounds.

            “I'm glad you trust me so much!” Victor chimed happily.

Yuuri’s face flushed and he awkwardly squirmed his way out of Victor’s arms.

            “N-No problem… I guess.” 

            “Great! Now that we’ve completed the first step…”

            “There’s more…?” Yuuri whispered to himself and watched with subtle attentiveness as Victor pulled out his phone and tapped away on the screen.

            “We must visit this museum!” The Russian enthusiastically shoved his phone toward Yuuri. 

            “The ceramic museum…?” Yuuri hesitated and frowned slightly.

            “Is it not good?” Victor retracted his phone and furrowed his brows together as if hurt and confused by Yuuri’s hesitation.

            “Ah, n-no! It’s perfectly fine!” Yuuri forced an awkward smile onto his lips and rubbed the back of his neck.

The gleam in Victor’s eyes seemed to intensify.

            “Oh, that’s a relief! I was doing some research online and it must be so wonderful to see all the pottery and the development of the ceramics. Supposedly the museum exhibits the Kanbara Collection!”

            “I didn’t think you’d be so interested…”

Victor just laughed in response and then looped his arm through Yuuri’s as if they were the best of friends. Yuuri couldn’t help himself but blush at the action. He wondered how Victor could be so friendly and whether it was just a “Russian thing”.

            “NOOOO, IT’S CLOSED!!!” Victor feigned falling to the ground and held onto Yuuri for support.

            “A-Ah… uhm… it’ll be open tomorrow!” Yuuri staggered a few steps to try and keep his balance while Victor let out another cry of despair.

            “But I was so looking forward to seeing it today!”

Yuuri swiftly looked around for something that could appease the foreigner.

            “D…do you like desserts?”

Victor seemed to immediately perk up at the sound of dessert and straightened himself out.

            “What sort of dessert? I miss dessert, especially vatrushka! Ahhh, vatrushka…” 

            “Va…Vatruwhat?” Yuuri’s eyes widened as he watched Victor’s demeanor change into a sort of dazed state.

            “It’s just a dessert I loved to eat when I was younger, but I am fascinated to see what Japanese desserts taste like!” 

            “O-Oh, I think there’s a place where we can get taiya—” Before Yuuri could even finish his sentence, Victor hastily grabbed hold of Yuuri’s arm and dragged him closer.

            “Sounds perfect, let’s go!”

            “Y-You’re already done?” Yuuri looked over at Victor with disbelief as the Russian finished off the last bite of the sweet, fish-shaped cake.

Victor simply licked his lips and then crumpled the wrapping paper into a ball. He let out a satisfied sigh before giving Yuuri a gentle grin.

            “Thank you for that, I’ll count it toward your coaching fee. So you’ve paid off about… 72 ruble!”

Yuuri just offered a meek smile, not sure whether Victor was joking or not, and then proceeded to finish off his own snack. He didn’t realize how much time had already passed while they traveled all around town like tourists, and the warm setting sunlight made Yuuri tired and blink his eyes. By the time he finished he let out a quiet yawn, something Victor was quick to pick up on.

            “Shall we head back?”

Yuuri stood up from the bench and stretched his arms over his head. He caught Victor’s eyes trailing down a bit, forcing him to immediately blush and put his arms down.

            “Y-You don’t want to see anything else?”

            “I do! But maybe tomorrow. I’m still tired with the time difference throwing me off.”

            “Oh, you’re right… I’m sorry, I didn’t even realize.” Yuuri frowned. He had completely forgotten about that. Victor hid his weariness very well, considering how he probably got less than five hours of sleep.

            “It’s okay, I normally don’t sleep too much anyways.” Victor replied with a smile and then looped his arm through Yuuri’s once more. Yuuri nodded, feeling the beginnings of a smile start to curl the corners of his mouth, and averted his eyes to the sky. The last of the sunset was starting to fade, crimson at the horizon and trailing upwards into yellow and a pale watery green.

            “Let’s go home.”

* * *

  _Aaah man, Victor is such a… such an interesting person._ Yuuri sleepily smiled to himself and curled to his side underneath his blanket.

 _I still can’t believe this is happening… Victor Nikiforov… coaching **me**. _ It was still unrealistic for Yuuri to grasp. His childhood idol was **here** in his house taking the time to teach **him**. How did he get so lucky?

_"Yuuri, starting today, I'm your coach. I'll make you win the Grand Prix Final."_

He felt inexplicably excited at the thought that Victor was going to be staying for a while to coach him.Yuuri replayed the scene in his head and felt the smile on his lips grow wider. A warmth began to bloom in his chest.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Notes for the Chapter:**

> WATCHING YUURI EMBRACE HIS INNER FEMININITY AND SKATE WAS A BLESSING. PLEASE GO REWATCH THE SCENE RIGHT NOW IN EPISODE THREE OHMYGOONDUENSJKNFLG;IOJproighfn;jOEGIHPEAIOTGJN;ROighdfjklzngpoir;HGIALJFKZDNG;KLGNFpiaejn;JNg;oirHGIAJEKNTG’rjkgo;klnrG’  
> ALSO A PORTION OF THIS CHAPTER IS [INSPIRED OFF OF THIS POST](http://thisisjapaneselunchtimerush.tumblr.com/post/152294135604/eros)  
> FINALLY...  
> Please enjoy yummy pork cutlet bowls! (๑ゝڡ◕๑)

            “I’m guessing I forgot some promise I made!” Victor pressed his hand lightly on his waist and offered Yurio a carefree smile.

Yuuri stood awkwardly off to the side while Victor talked about how forgetful he was, and then slowly inched away from the younger blond as he growled a particularly spiteful response. For the next twenty minutes, Yuuri had never met someone who could yell and complain so much until Yurio Plisetsky opened his mouth. Yuuri had almost zoned out entirely until he heard Yurio snarl five words that suddenly made his heart ache and his throat turn dry.

            “Let’s go back to Russia!” 

Yuuri quickly looked over at Victor to see if he could gauge any immediate response. Victor looked shocked for a second, but quickly recovered and brought a hand to his chin. The beat of Yuuri’s heart thrummed loudly in his ears. If Victor was going to leave… He couldn’t finish the thought. Yuuri desperately hoped that if he avoided the thought, somehow Victor wouldn’t comply with Yurio’s request and stay in Hasetsu with him. He jumped when Victor started to speak.

            “Okay, I’ve decided! Tomorrow, I’ll choreograph a program for both of you to the same music I’m using in my short program.”

After an initial shock passed through both Yuri’s, Victor continued with a calm explanation and then ended with his usual, playful smile. 

            “You’ll compete to see who can surprise the audience more!”

Color drained from Yuuri’s face and he immediately jumped to protest. There was no way he was practiced enough to face off against Yurio. It had been more than three months since he stepped onto the rink competitively. 

            “Victor will do whatever the winner says!” Yurio exclaimed and Yuuri’s stomach dropped. Things were turning sour too quickly for him to keep up. To make things even worse, Victor seemed keen on the idea. 

Before Yuuri knew it, he was leaning against the side of the rink watching Victor show him the program he had to learn for the upcoming Onsen on Ice competition. Yuuri hung his head the moment the music started and felt his cheeks burn with an intense heat.

_Eros!? There is no sort of “eros” evident within my body!_ Even before beginning, Yuuri felt hopeless.

_I might as well kiss Victor goodbye and help him carry his ridiculously heavy luggage back to the airport. Well not literally kiss b-but…_

Yuuri snapped out of the apprehension and tried to refocus his mind onto Victor. He had choreographed this program just for _him_ and even if he probably didn’t stand a chance against Yurio… the least he could do was try his hardest. It was a shame he looked up at the wrong moment however, because when he caught sight of Victor’s eyes and the slight smirk that ghosted his lips, Yuuri thought his life had ended. His heart felt like it was going to burst. _Eros_ … sexual love. The way Victor moved his body and the way his face managed to capture the concept of _eros_ … A flame ignited within Yuuri. His whole body felt like it was on fire, his skin scalding at the mere sight of Victor gliding across the ice. 

_H-Huh! Can I skate this?_ The realization that Yuuri might not even be able to recreate this program instantly doused the fire inside of him.

His mind rapidly spun into a warbled mess as his eyes tried to keep up with Victor’s fluid movements. There was no way… there was **no** way!

            “Yuuri! How was that?” Victor stood in front of him with an expectant look.

            “O…Oh, um!!” He sputtered in response and then felt his throat constrict when Victor closed the distance between them. 

A switch inside of Yuuri flipped when Victor pressed his thumb against his lips. His senses suddenly became acutely aware of **everything**. The subtle irregularity of Victor’s breath… or was that his own breathing? The immense heat emanating from Victor’s body… Their sudden shared air as Victor leaned in so his nose just barely grazed him.

            “Can you show me what your _eros_ is soon?”

Yuuri couldn’t look away from Victor’s eyes. An odd mixture of fear and arousal exploded inside of him. Victor was so close. Too close. Yuuri could barely comprehend what the words flowing from his mouth meant. Time slowed down so much so that Yuuri could see himself in incredible detail reflected in Victor’s eyes. His pupils dilated. The ice crunched beneath his skates as his knees shook. His lips quivered. _Eros_. Was this what it wa—

            “Hey, Victor! Aren’t you teaching me first?” Yurio’s loud, boorish voice snapped time back to reality. 

Victor turned away from Yuuri as if nothing had happened and replied calmly to the teenager. Yuuri couldn’t stop staring at Victor. 

* * *

             “Pork cutlet bowls! That’s what _eros_ is to me!” Yuuri jumped up from his seat and slammed the table with excitement.

An immediate silence followed the heels of his sentence and Yuuri’s face blazed with a bright red in a matter of a second.

            “O…Oh, sorry… it’s not…” 

            “O-Okay, let’s go with that. It’s nice and unique.” Victor finished Yuuri’s sentence before he could explain himself. 

Yuuri deflated back into his seat and looked at his lap with intense focus to avoid further humiliation. After a snarky comment from Yurio and then a few more minutes of silence, Yuuri risked looking up. Victor was staring at him. He winked and Yuuri’s heart skipped a beat.

* * *

             “Yuuri, it’s your turn.” 

Yuuri looked up from his despairing daze to find Victor beaming at him. The sight of the other instantly soothed his mind. He was always beaming.

Yuuri swallowed hard and fisted his hands. 

            “I-I’m going to become a super tasty pork cutlet bowl, so please watch me!” Without thinking, his body sprung forward and pulled Victor into an embrace. 

            “Promise!” The word spun from his mouth before he realized what he was doing. All he knew was that the presence of Victor comforted him, and that was all he needed. 

Victor paused a moment, a bubbly sensation filling his gut. 

            “Of course.” He brought his arms up to return the hug.

            “I love pork cutlet bowls.”

 

            “Good luck, Yuuri!”

            “Yuuri!!!”

            “Good luck, Katsuki!”

Yuuri forced himself to breathe out of his nose in an attempt to regulate his breath. The sounds of the crowd’s buzzing anticipation and encouragement faded into a dim blend.

_Who am I dancing for?_

The first trills of the music began.

_I know who_.

            “Trying to be the playboy isn’t me.”

Minako’s face creased all over and she narrowed her eyes as if asking him “What the Hell are you talking about?” After Yuuri’s explanation of how he wanted to try something different and realizing that he couldn’t possibly show his _eros_ through a Victor kind of way and needed to forge his own path, Minako lightened up and grabbed her keys so they could go to the studio. It made Minako laugh when Yuuri exclaimed how he wanted to be the most beautiful woman in town, and for once she didn’t feel concerned for Yuuri and his train of thought. In fact, while observing him as he switched to the different positions she had taught him, Minako thought that Yuuri looked a lot more confident in himself than ever before.

            “Okay, let’s take five or else my bladder is really going to explode.” Minako huffed and scurried out of the room before Yuuri could give her a proper response.

He caught his breath for a moment and took a drink of water before continuing his moves starting from the top. It was already almost four in the morning and his body was screaming at him to knock it off already or he was going to collapse from exhaustion. 

_Hang in there, please! Just for an hour longer!_ Yuuri tried to negotiate with his body and willed his limbs to move. He panted and caught his own gaze in the mirror. The reflection seized his breath.

_Is that **really** me?_ _I look so different and yet…_ Yuuri dropped his arms to his side and rubbed at his weary eyes. His lips curled into a soft smile. 

Gliding across the ice and moving his body to the music the way he had practiced in the mirror the night before, for once, made Yuuri feel comfortable. Despite the femininity of the movements, Yuuri admitted to himself that this was a lot closer to how he felt… and he felt confident doing it.

_Now, we have a spread eagle into a triple axel…_

The crowd roared at his perfect execution. The lights were too blinding for Yuuri to make out any individual faces in the crowd, but he could constantly feel those impossibly blue eyes following him wherever he skated.

_Don’t panic!_  

Yuuri inhaled sharply when he missed his quadruple Salchow… but he wasn’t about to give up just yet. His body moved on its own accord to the music. The raging beat of his heart wasn’t about to stop any time soon. He was confident. Confident in his moves. Confident in his charms. Confident in what made him feel true to himself.

Yuuri pulled on another smirk. He had convinced himself that he was better than any other woman out there. 

            “A quadruple toe loop followed by a triple toe loop! He nailed it!!!”

The music swelled until it hit its final note. Yuuri panted, forcing the air through his nose again, and remained in his final position until the dulled cheers of the crowd sharpened and became distinct roars welcoming him back. In the rink… normally in the rink Yuuri felt so alone despite the large amount of support he had. Alone in a crowd.

But now?

He couldn’t stop smiling. He could feel the loving encouragement coming from everyone. An overwhelming sensation filled Yuuri to the brim. His face started to hurt from smiling so much.

            “Yuuri!!!” Victor called out to him with his arms excitedly raised over his head.

The clamor of the crowd instantly muffled out. 

Yuuri glided over to where Victor was waiting and was instantly met with a hug. Yuuri stood there, shocked by the sudden embrace, and continued to stand there. Lost in the moment. His heart beat quickly.

            “Wonderful!!” Victor squeezed him tighter.

            “A-Ah… th…thank you.” Yuuri managed to force the words out of his mouth even though his mind was still in a scramble and couldn’t register that Victor was hugging him.

            “But can I say something?” Victor let go of Yuuri and immediately released him from his daze.

            “S-Sure!”

* * *

            “Your portrayal of _eros_ was amazing.” Victor whispered into Yuuri’s ear and ran his hand down Yuuri’s arm.

            “A…Ah, Victor… Y-You’re drunk.” Yuuri felt his cheeks start to heat up and he attempted to turn his head away from the closeness of Victor’s.

            “Noooo, I’m just very very veeeeeeeery happy about your performance today!! Aren’t you happy too? You got to eat your favorite pork cutlet bowl!” Victor licked his lips and grinned.

            “But by far _you_ are the tastiest pork cutlet bowl I’ve ever seen.”

Yuuri blushed harder at that comment and stood up from his seat.

            “W-Wow… it’s really getting late. It’d probably be best to go sleep now.”

            “Waaaaiiiiit, Yuuuuri… that’s not fair.” Victor gripped onto Yuuri’s legs and whined.

            “Wh…What’s not fair?” Yuuri tried to compose his voice and avoid looking at the exposed parts of Victor’s chest as his yukata gradually slipped off. 

            “Hhhupp!” Victor used Yuuri to pull himself up from the ground and then held him close as a means of support.

            “V-Victor?” Yuuri stuttered, not daring to look at the other in the face.

            “Yuuri… your _eros_ … can you show me it again?” 

Heat rapidly rose to the surface of Yuuri’s cheeks and his mind was dangerously close to blanking out completely.

            “H…Huh?” He breathed out softly and looked at Victor this time, though he couldn’t see much with his head spinning so quickly trying to decipher the Russian’s sudden request.

            “Your…” Victor paused and brought a hand to Yuuri’s back.

            “ _Eros_.” He slid his palm down Yuuri’s spine and molded his hand to his hipbone.

            “A-Ah…” Yuuri shuddered under Victor’s fleeting touch. His vision blurred for a second and when everything materialized again, he found Victor already helping himself to his mouth.

            “Vi—”

The Russian smothered out the word with a gentle kiss. Yuuri was peculiarly surprised at how soft Victor’s lips felt. A tantalizing darkness skirted Yuuri’s mind when Victor slid the tip of his tongue across his lower lip. He could taste the lingering alcohol on Victor’s breath.

When Victor broke the kiss, Yuuri allowed himself to be led to his own room. He didn’t even care that he had left some of the posters sporting graceful action shots of Victor throughout the years of his career pinned to the walls (though he secretly hoped Victor wouldn’t notice… but Victor did, and he thought it was incredibly cute). Once inside Yuuri’s room, Victor gingerly cupped his face and kissed him quick and hard on the mouth. He guided the other until they were both sitting on Yuuri’s bed. 

            “Your _eros_ , Yuuri.” He purred in a playful tone. 

Yuuri swallowed hard and gnawed on his lower lip. His _eros_ … His _confidence_. 

            “You won’t… be weirded out will you?” Yuuri asked sheepishly. 

Victor almost burst into laughter until he realized that Yuuri wasn’t joking around. He stifled his laughs and then cleared his throat.

            “Of course not, I truly thought your performance today was marvelous. I’m still not 100% convinced that your _eros_ is about pork cutlet bowls, but maybe you’ll just have to show me.” He grinned when Yuuri looked at him with wide eyes and then quickly looked somewhere else as if not maintaining eye contact could hide the vibrant red that painted his cheeks. 

            “Will you show me, Yuuri?” Victor figured that he needed at least _some_ prodding so he leaned in again and helped take of Yuuri’s glasses and set them off to the side. 

Moonlight seeped into the room from behind the curtains and dripped onto half of Yuuri’s face and half of Victor’s. Yuuri gnawed on his lower lip again until he at last nodded and then closed his eyes to try and conjure up the feeling of his _eros_. Victor smiled and leaned back with a pleased expression. 

_You’re a beautiful woman, Yuuri… the most beautiful woman in town. No one can compete with you._

            “…” He peeked his eyes open and quickly shut them when he saw that Victor was just patiently staring at him. 

_You’re not a playboy, you’re a **seductress**. You play the playboy at his own game and beat him, making him fall in love with you. _

            “…” He cracked his eyes open again and felt his heart ram again his ribcage when he saw that Victor was no longer staring at him but toward the tiny sliver of moonlight that outlined the curtain. The light perfectly lined Victor’s features, casting shadows over certain parts to create sharp, strong lines and softening other parts to ultimately create a picturesque definition of beauty. How could one man be so gorgeous and charming? 

Yuuri’s mouth parted just a bit and he found himself gravitating toward the other. When Victor finally looked back at him, Yuuri didn’t even hesitate and continued to close the distance. 

He was not a playboy… but the most beautiful woman to make him fall in love.

Victor’s heart pounded in his ears. He tried to maintain his composure and take this time to observe Yuuri’s portrayal of _eros_ up close. Key word: _tried_.

Yuuri came so close that Victor’s nose tickled as his warm breath flitted across his skin. His entire body felt paralyzed when Yuuri brought a hand to his chest and steadily pushed him down onto his back. His gut twisted when Yuuri straddled him and kept his knees securely pressed to the sides of his body.

Yuuri leaned down, taking his time, and hovered until his lips were a mere inch away.

Victor’s eyes scanned Yuuri’s face as he hovered above him. A burning sensation made itself known when the initial charge of Yuuri pushing him down wore off. He waited. Waited and waited and _waited_. Never in his life had Victor wanted something so badly than to have Yuuri lean down and lock their lips together. Seal his destiny and fate for good. 

            “Y-Yuur…” Victor started to say, his lips trembling like they never had before. 

Yuuri smirked.

He was a _seductress_.

* * *

 Victor woke up to an immense pain in his chest. His eyes grew wide and his pupils blew open and expanded like stars. He struggled for a single breath of air. It was like someone had balled up his lungs and squeezed them hard together. 

He quickly sat up, his body turning cold at the sudden loss of heat from Yuuri’s sleeping body, and forced himself to cough in an attempt to will the pain away. His chest swelled and then stopped as if there were chains around him. He coughed again, fortunate that this broke the chains so he could breath again, but unfortunate in that a string of ragged coughs flowed out from his lungs.

He covered his mouth and swung his legs to the side of the bed. Yuuri stirred behind him. Thankfully he stopped before Yuuri could be fully pulled out of his sleep. Victor silently panted for air, his nostrils flaring as he tried to inhale deeply. He looked at his hands under the pale moonlight. What looked to be dark, black splotches were actually splatters of blood. He could recognize the strong taste of iron in his mouth.

            “Shit…”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some scenes based on [these](http://thisisjapaneselunchtimerush.tumblr.com/post/151536634364/victuri-headcanons) and [these](http://thisisjapaneselunchtimerush.tumblr.com/post/152360802594/domestic-victuri) headcanons
> 
> Enjoy! ( ๑˃̶◡ ˂̶๑)◞♡

         “Then… your lover, I guess. I can try my best.” 

Yuuri sprung from his seat in a mixture of shock and embarrassment. 

         “N-No, no, no, no, no!” He flailed his arms in a flurry of confusion. 

         “No?” Victor shot his an amused look. The escaped beginnings of a smile fell from his mouth.

         “Not even afte—” 

         “I-I mean… ma…maybe not yet?” Yuuri flushed, cutting the other off before he could continue. He sighed and ran a hand through his ruffled hair.

         “I want you… to stay who you are, Victor. You don’t have to be anything for _me_.”

Victor stared at Yuuri with a blank expression.

          “W-What I mean by that is I don’t want you to change yourself for someone like _me_ … I want you to stay who you are because who you are right now is per…perfe…” The word snagged onto his tongue and Yuuri’s cheeks were set alight.

Victor pushed himself off from the sand and smiled. He lulled the other into a hug and pressed his forehead into the crook of Yuuri’s neck.

         “Okay, I understand… Then the me _I_ want to be is your lover.”

Yuuri’s almost choked on air. For some unknown reason, his eyes began to sting and his nose burned. He nodded slowly and hugged Victor tightly, burying his face into Victor’s neck.

_When I open up, he meets me where I am._

* * *

         “Victor, please let me do that one more time!” Yuuri wiped away the sweat with the back of his glove and panted to catch his breath. 

Victor groaned softly in amazement.

         “Wow… Hasn’t it been tens of thousands of times? I’ve thought this for a while, but you have pretty good stamina.” 

Yuuri couldn’t help but smile and feel pleased by Victor’s comment. He nodded in agreement and wiped the sweat away from his forehead again. 

         “W-Well… I have that, at least.” 

         “It’s a good quality to have while in bed.” 

         “VIC-VICTOR!” 

The Russian laughed softly and held onto the side of the rink so he could wipe off the shavings of ice from the blades. Even though Victor wasn’t looking at him, Yuuri forced himself to look away as if he found something else of interest. His cheeks continued to burn while Victor worked on cleaning his skates. His eyes quickly glanced over and he suddenly felt mesmerized.

         “Anyways, you haven’t suffered any major injuries, and you’re younger than I am.” Victor continued to calmly babble away. Yuuri’s hand moved like it had a mind of its own. 

He touched the top of Victor’s head. 

         “…” 

         “Aa…aAAH SORRY! I c-couldn’t help it!” Yuuri waved his hands in humiliation and stumbled over his words. 

Victor’s stomach fell as he slowly reached up to cover the spot Yuuri had touched on his head. 

         “Is it getting that thin...?” 

Yuuri immediately yelped and shook his head in distress.

         “NO NO NO!!! E-EVERYTHING’S OKAY!” 

Victor pressed his fingers harder against his scalp. He slightly parted his mouth and exhaled shakily. He was partly relieved that Yuuri couldn’t see his expression. His eyes had darkened considerably and his face had twisted into a look of genuine horror. His other hand trembled and his teeth chattered together.

_Pull it together._

         “Ah… I’m hurt. I can’t recover from this.” Victor masked his fear with a ridiculous sounding accent as if he were teasing Yuuri. His vision blurred for a second and he slipped onto his knee before lying down on the ice entirely. 

         “O-Ooh, sorry! I’m sorry! Please get up!” Yuuri got down onto his knees and began to repeatedly bow at Victor. 

         “Well, those two seem to get along fine.” Takeshi commented while Yuuko giggled softly to herself as she watched the silly scene unfold. 

Victor closed his eyes and focused on the burning cold sensation of the ice against his cheek. He exhaled gently, his warm breath coming off in white swirls. 

**_Pull it together._ **

* * *

 Typically the two slept beside one another in the same bed because Victor would constantly pester Yuuri about sleeping together. Some days Yuuri would relent and he’d revel in the warmth of Victor’s chest pressed against him while he had his head tucked under Victor’s chin, and other days Yuuri would find himself sleeping alone because Victor had fallen fast asleep out of exhaustion from that day’s practice. 

Today Yuuri was alone in his room, typing away on his keyboard until he suddenly received a notification.

         “Victor, listen!” He slid the door open and eagerly hopped onto the Russian’s bed. Makkachin yelped when Yuuri’s foot landed on its tail. Victor was quickly pulled out of his sleep and tuned in to Yuuri apologizing to the dog. He rubbed his eyes and sluggishly reached over to his bedside and turned on the light. 

         “The music for the free program is done!” Yuuri chirped excitedly and Victor sat in a sleepy stupor while Yuuri inserted the earbuds into his ears. 

Victor closed his eyes and listened as the song started with a torrent of piano scales. The song billowed in tone and speed, and Victor suddenly felt his heart beat in sync with the song. A lighthearted feeling gripped in his the chest and lifted him up. His skin prickled as a chill seeped into his body. Victor opened his eyes, now feeling wide-awake, and excitedly propped himself up from the bed to give Yuuri a nod of approval.

The poppers exploded, sending confetti flying everywhere, and Yuuri’s family sat in a warm cradle of congratulations.

         “Th-Thanks…” Yuuri sat rigidly in his seat while the triplets explained to his family what the entire hubbub was about.

Despite the fact that everyone else seemed so excited, a grim feeling took hold of Yuuri as he imagined the amount of work and turmoil he would have to go through. His ears perked up at the sound of Victor’s voice, and his worries subsided for a short while. 

         “You’ll be minding the house during the season, Makkachin.”

Makkachin whined and licked Victor’s jawline.

 _That’s right…_ Yuuri thought to himself.  _It’ll be my first time in a Grand Prix series without Victor in the lineup…_

His attention was brought back to the present when he felt Victor rest his elbow on his shoulder. Yuuri’s parents smiled at him and gave him their encouragements. 

 _Ah…_ Yuuri suddenly realized. _Until now I thought I was fighting all by myself..._

Minako animatedly stood up and spun around to reveal a handwritten sign that cheered him on. 

_I used to feel so alone while in the rink but…_

Victor slightly nudged him and grinned. 

_Now that Victor’s here, that’s totally changed. Now everything feels so new. I may never be able to regain what I’ve lost, but I can see clearly what’s in front of me now._

_Figure skaters are only competitive for a short time. This will probably be my last competitive figure skating season…_

A fuzzy warmth spread through Yuuri’s body, tears beginning to swell in his eyes while his mouth curved into a smile.

_I don't know how long Victor will stick around… or how long my body will hold up._

_So please God..._

_Give me Victor's time, if only just for now!_

* * *

         “Ah, crap!” Victor swiftly turned the fire off and doused the burning onions with water. The color drained from his face and he slumped against the kitchen counter in a defeated mess.

 _That’s the third time_ …

         “Vicchan?” Yuuri’s mother popped her head into the kitchen and offered him a pleasant smile.

         “Ah, pardon my mess. I hope you don’t mind me using the kitchen… I’ll clean everything up right away and go out to rebuy the ingredients I’ve used.”

         “Oh, it’s no worries at all!” Hiroko reassured Victor in sweet, melodious voice and approached him to give him an encourage rub on the back.

         “What are you trying to make? Perhaps I could help!”

         “Aha…” Blood rushed to his cheeks. Victor stood up straight and pushed his bangs aside, only to have them fall back into place. 

         “I was trying to make katsudon so when Yuuri needs to travel away for his competitions…”

Hiroko beamed at Victor with wide, twinkling eyes. She suddenly wrapped her arms around his waist and gave him a heartfelt hug.

         “That’s my specialty! Would you mind if I helped you?”

Victor couldn’t help but grin at Yuuri’s affectionate mother. He dramatically got down onto one knee and held both of her hands in his.

         “Please, it would be an honor to be taught by you!”

The woman laughed heartily and nodded happily.

         “It’s _my_ pleasure. Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?”

* * *

         “How are you feeling?” Victor murmured softly and loosely snaked his arms around Yuuri’s neck.

         “Nervous…”

Victor breathed out a soft laugh at Yuuri’s quick response and rested his chin on top of Yuuri’s head.

It was only natural that Yuuri would feel nervous; the local competition was tomorrow after all. 

         “You just need to get a nice night’s rest, then everything will be okay.” Victor mumbled into Yuuri’s hair.

         “I hope so…”

         “It will be, you’ve been _so_ good and _so_ hard working these past few weeks.”

Yuuri shuddered at the words of praise Victor whispered into his skin. He compliantly let his face be tilted up when Victor placed his hand under his chin.

         “You’re going to be _amazing_ tomorrow.”

Victor pressed his lips against his and kissed him slowly… softly…

         “I _know_ it.”

If Yuuri didn’t know better, he would’ve thought he had a fever. His entire body felt like it was melting in Victor’s body warmth. His breath hitched softly when Victor removed his glasses. Victor smiled and switched to planting a gentle kiss on Yuuri’s forehead. 

         “I’ll be right there cheering you on and supporting you, okay? Always remember that.”

         “Mm.” Yuuri replied quietly and nodded his head. He couldn’t stop smiling as Victor flicked off the lights and leaned in to kiss him again.

* * *

         “YUUUUUUUURI!!!”

A short, blond male rushed up to Yuuri as he was talking to Victor and immediately clung onto his waist. Victor’s eyebrow twitched and he forced his mouth into a smile.

         “Who is this?” He asked through clenched teeth.

         “A-Ah, Minami!” Yuuri patted the shorter male on the back and smiled.

         “Yuuri, I’m so glad to see you back on your feet after what happened! I’ve been cheering you on ever since!” 

         “Ah… thank you, MinaMI!” Yuuri’s breath was squeezed out of him when Minami tightened his hug.

He finally let go and clenched his hands into two fists, tears threatening to fall from his eyes. 

         “I’m sorry I beat you at Nationals! I was so worried you weren’t going to skate anymore! But after I heard you qualified for the Grand Prix, I’ve made sure to practice extra _extra_ hard so that we could skate together again!”

Yuuri, taken back by Minami’s exuberant and fervent attitude, scratched the back of his head and awkwardly laughed.

 _Oh boy… if you’ve been practicing really hard then that means this competition won’t be as easy as I thought it might be…_  

         “Aah… well it’s not your fault or anything. But I’ve heard you’ve been doing well, and that’s good to hear!” 

Minami finally let go of Yuuri and gave him a toothy grin. 

         “Yeah!! I’ve been great! Really busy preparing for this competition, but I’m more interested in hearing what you’ve been up to!!! I’m sure you’ve got something amazing planned for today’s match.”

         “Yes, he does.” Victor butted in with a wide smile, a stark contrast to his darkened eyes.

         “Yuuri has been working very hard for this competition. He even has his own music to go with his program.”

         “WOOOOW!!! I knew I couldn’t have expected anything less from you, Yuuri!” Minami beamed happily at Yuuri with a great, big grin and flushed cheeks. 

Victor’s eyebrow twitched again as he was so blatantly ignored by the teen. Just as he parted his lips and was about to say something, someone called for Minami and ultimately ended the peculiar interaction. 

         “Are you okay, Victor?” Yuuri tilted his head to the side a bit as he looked at Victor.

         “Ah…” Victor covered his mouth with his gloved hand for a brief second, not realizing just how much he was scowling after watching Minami run off, and then relaxed his face until he could give Yuuri his usual, pleasant smile. 

         “Yes, I’m good. How about you? Still nervous?” 

Yuuri fell silent and looked down at the ground. He closed his eyes for a few moments, inhaling and exhaling slowly, and then whipped his head up. Yuuri’s sudden look of determination startled Victor, and then he felt the blood rush into his cheeks when Yuuri snatched hold of his hand. 

         “I-I’m…” Yuuri began, his eyes never leaving Victor’s.

         “I’m being selfish again, but p-please watch only me today during the competition, okay?” 

Victor smiled and nodded, abruptly pulling Yuuri toward him so he could fully wrap his arms around the other. 

         “Of course.”

* * *

         “ **YUUUUUUUURI!!!** ”

The muscles in Victor’s face twitched when he heard the sharp cry. Sure enough, Minami came trailing after. On impulse Victor wanted to block the younger skater from getting anywhere closer, but he decided that the least he could do was let the boy marvel over his Yuuri. 

         “ **Congratulations on winning!** ” Minami latched himself onto Yuuri’s torso, still panting slightly from having just finished his program. 

         “Your last few jumps were _awesome_!!! And you looked so _amazing_ skating to the music! I loved every second of it, I’m still in disbelief that you composed everything yourself!!!” 

         “A…Ah…Thank you, Minami… The music wasn’t actually composed by my-” Yuuri began and then Victor coughed and slid his arm around Yuuri’s waist.

         “You were great too, Minami. I foresee a very successful skating career for you. Now if you excuse us, Yuuri needs to go.” Victor spoke calmly and even flashed the teen one of his most charming smiles. Minami’s face lit up.

         “O-Oh… Okay! I guess I’ll see you later then!” He waved the both of them goodbye.

         “Sorry…” Victor mumbled under his breath and began to suck gently on Yuuri’s skin.

         “A-Ah…hha… Sorry for what?” Yuuri let his head fall back against his bedroom wall so more of his skin could be exposed.

         “I’m not the only selfish one.” The Russian hissed into Yuuri’s skin when he lightly sunk his teeth into his collarbone.

         “HnnN!!” Yuuri squirmed and gasped for air.

         “I just want you all to myself…” Victor continued and lapped at the reddening marks he had left from his bite.

         “I’m sorry…” He repeated again, this time stopping altogether and simply opting to clutch Yuuri close to him.

         “Vi…Victor?”

         “Can we stay like this for a little while?”

Victor’s voice had turned incredibly quiet so quickly that it surprised Yuuri.

         “A…Are you alright?” Yuuri looked down at the other and searched his face for any signs of distress.

After a moment of silence, Victor sighed and nuzzled his face into Yuuri’s neck.

         “How would you feel if I said I love you?”

         “Wha…” The air inside of Yuuri’s lungs left him altogether.

He swallowed hard and attempted to find the right words to reply with, but everything seemed to be moving too rapidly in his mind that he couldn’t grab anything to say. Victor looked up from his neck and Yuuri felt his heart being tugged at the inexplicably sorrowful look that pooled Victor’s eyes. Yuuri hugged Victor tighter and pressed his forehead to his.

         “It would make me feel indefinably happy because I lov—”

         “BOOOOOOOOYS!” The sound of Minako’s slurred voice interrupted their conversation. Yuuri looked away from Victor to the door. There was no doubt she had already drunk enough alcohol for three people and what if she burst into the room and caught the both of them tangled together like this. 

         “DINNER TIME!!! COME ON, LET’S CELEBRATE!!!”

Yuuri chewed on his lower lip and looked back at Victor. A wave of relief washed over him when he saw that the gleam had returned to Victor’s eyes and he was smiling again. He leaned in to give Yuuri a quick peck on the lips and then led him out of the room to where everyone was waiting. 

The festivities commenced and once again Yuuri felt inexplicably happy and warm on the inside with everyone so cheerful and supportive around him.

         “Say ‘aaaahhh’!” Victor grinned and held a spoonful of katsudon in front of Yuuri. 

         “Hm hmm.” The triplets nodded their heads in approval when Yuuri embarrassingly glanced at everyone’s faces to see what they might’ve thought about Victor’s action.

Slowly, Yuuri opened his mouth and allowed himself to be fed. He chewed thoughtfully, swallowed, and then blushed when Victor praised him for being so obedient. After the “awwwwwhh’s” from Minako and Yuuko ended, Victor offered him another spoonful of the delicious meal. Yuuri accepted it a lot easier than the first bite. By the time the sixth spoonful came around, Yuuri knit his eyebrows together.

         “A-Aren’t you going to eat too, Victor?”

Victor smiled and presented him with another bite from his bowl. 

         “I’m full already, won’t you help me finish it?”

Yuuri looked down at Victor’s bowl and frowned a bit. Victor had _barely_ eaten two bites. 

         “Are you sure? If something didn’t taste right we could always go out to a convenience store really fast and pick something u—”

         “I’m fine, Yuuri. Thanks for your concern.” Victor purred and placed his free hand on Yuuri’s thigh, giving it a light squeeze before pushing the bite in front of him again. 

         “O-Oh… Okay.” Yuuri opened his mouth and ate the last bite.

Though it was kind of odd that Victor wasn’t eating too much, he couldn’t deny that being _spoon-fed_ his most favorite dish in the world by _Victor_ was the most dream satisfying thing to happen in his life so far.

The celebration continued for another few hours, and soon Yuuri found himself to be the last one awake among his family and friends. A sense of accomplishment filled Yuuri that evening, and when he looked over Victor’s peaceful, sleeping face, his heart felt like it was soaring. Before turning off the lights and curling up against the other, Yuuri leaned down and gingerly kissed Victor on the cheek. 

         “I love you.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies if I get the GPF figure skating technicalities incorrect (like point system and how I'm focusing on his FP rather than SP...) I'm not well versed in anything ice skating related, though I do think it looks very pretty... (′͈∨‵͈♡)  
> 

            “Don't forget to set your clock one hour behind, okay?”

Victor yawned and nodded, curling his legs closer to his chest as he lay on the hotel room’s couch. After winning the Chugoku, Shikoku, and Kyushu Championship, Victor had decided that Yuuri had a good chance with scoring high in the Cup of China if he performed “Yuri On Ice” again. While the two practiced more at Ice Castle, Yuuri’s traveling life began and together the two of them flew to China during the last week of October. With more than another week until he actually had to perform in Cup of China, Yuuri took things at his own pace and enjoyed the alone time he had with Victor.

Yuuri hummed to himself as he cracked the egg over the pan, and was so focused on making sure the egg didn’t burn that he didn’t notice Victor padding silently into the kitchenette. Yuuri jerked when he suddenly saw two arms coming from behind him and wrapping around his waist. The Russian let out a breathy laugh and proceeded to sleepily rub his face into the crook of Yuuri’s neck.

            “Vic…Victor?” Yuuri’s voice came out garbled and stunned.

            “This is nice… just the two of us now.” Victor murmured and softly kissed Yuuri’s neck. 

            “A…Ah, y-yeah it is…” Yuuri gently chewed on his bottom lip and let his eyes flutter to a close when he felt Victor’s hands start to stray from his hips.

            “It’s t-too early, Vi…Vic…” A faint whine escaped his lips when Victor’s hands slid lower.

A sudden buzz hummed through the otherwise silent room and broke Yuuri’s concentration. 

            “Ah…” He felt Victor exhale a bit disappointedly and then slip away. Yuuri pressed his lips together and puffed his cheeks out slightly like a child.

Who could _possibly_ be calling him?

            “Hello?” He answered the call without even looking at the caller ID.

            “Yuuri!!” 

Yuuri could immediately recognize the voice and a smile perched itself on his lips.

            “Phichit! Wow, ahah, I wasn’t expecting a call from you so soon!” 

            “Ah, I landed in Beijing just yesterday and I saw your Instagram post about arriving as well!” 

Victor pouted his lips and moved to slump onto the couch again. 

            “Would you like to come out and have brunch with me? I feel like I haven’t seen you in person in a really long time! I heard the music _she_ composed for you worked well for your local competition!” 

            “Y-Yeah!” Yuuri paused for a second and looked at Victor.

            ‘ _Do you want to go out?_ ’ He mouthed to Victor. 

            “—rant nearby, does eleven work for you?” 

Yuuri quickly turned his attention back to the call. 

            “A-Ah… Sorry, what was that?” 

He heard Phichit laugh and then repeat his question. Looks like he really didn’t have a choice of whether he wanted to go or not, but it wasn’t like it was a big issue… Yuuri glanced over at Victor again who was now face down against the cushions of the couch.

            “Okay… uhm, eleven sounds perfect! A-And, ah… er… Is it okay if I bring Victor along too?”

            “Of course!” Phichit chirped eagerly and with that the two ended the conversation and planned to meet in the next half hour.

            “Iff bon wanfa go.” Victor muffled through the cushions. 

            “H-Huh?” Yuuri set his phone down on the small counter and moved to where Victor was laying. He bit his lower lip, got down onto one knee, and then placed a hand on Victor’s back.

            “I said… I don’t want to go.” Victor lifted his head a bit and stuck out his bottom lip.

            “Ah… We-Well we don’t _have_ to go.” Yuuri offered Victor a gentle smile and rubbed his back.

Victor sighed and let his face fall back into the cushions. 

            “Wha-What’s wrong?” Yuuri scooted closer and rested his chin on the cushion so he was right next to Victor’s ear. 

            “Noffwing.” He muffled. 

Yuuri smiled and blew some air into Victor’s ear. The Russian immediately jolted and turned his face to the side so Yuuri could see him properly. Without a moment’s hesitation, Yuuri leaned in and locked their lips together.

The sunlight filtered in lazily through the half drawn curtain and for the next few minutes, Victor and Yuuri spent the time kissing and whispering sweet nothings to one another. Finally giving up, Victor pulled himself up from the couch and sat normally. He stretched his arms over his head and yawned. 

            “Then if I come with you it’ll be _our_ date, okay?”

            “O-Okay!” Yuuri replied quickly and felt the blood rush into his cheeks. He yelped when Victor suddenly pulled him into his lap. 

            “I love you.” Victor purred against his neck. 

            “I… love you too.” Yuuri smiled and closed his eyes to enjoy the luxury of being able to be with Victor like this. His eyes rapidly shot open when he felt Victor’s warm tongue press against his skin.

            “Mmm…” Victor moaned against Yuuri. 

            “W-Wait, Victor! What are you doing?!” Yuuri tried to get up but felt Victor’s strong arms hold him down to his lap. He squirmed for a little while as Victor continued to lick his upper neck until the sucking sensation seemed to drain the energy from Yuuri and he no longer had any muscle to struggle.

            “A-Ahh….” 

* * *

            “Aren’t you hot with that scarf on?” Phichit cocked his head to the side a bit and stared at Yuuri with wide, curious eyes.

            “N-No...” Yuuri gave Victor, who was sitting across from him, a quick glance. His cheeks lit up when Victor winked at him and smirked.

            “Oh, would you like me to ask someone to turn up the heater in here?” Phichit looked like he was ready to call for a waiter’s attention when Victor cleared his throat and placed a hand on top of Phichit’s. 

            “Yuuri’s just been feeling a little under the weather lately. A little homesick is all, but he should be fine.” He flashed the Thai skater one of his most charming smiles and even squeezed Phichit’s hand a bit. 

Even with Phichit’s tan complexion, it was easy to see the blood rise to his cheeks.

When Victor retracted his hand, the conversation dipped into a moment’s worth of silence and everyone looked down at the menu. 

            “D-Do you mind if we _all_ take a picture together?” Phichit swiftly took out his phone and looked at Victor with bright, keen eyes. 

Victor immediately looked at Yuuri who in turn looked at how excited Phichit was and then awkwardly smiled and shrugged. 

            “I don’t mind at all.” Victor replied after receiving Yuuri’s approval and smiled pleasantly at the other. 

            “Excuse me, could you help take a picture of all three of us?” Phichit bubbled quickly and handed one of the waiters his phone. 

            “Here, Yuuri. Come closer.” Victor grinned at Yuuri and gestured for him to close the distance. 

After everyone got themselves situated so they could all fit in the picture with their arms around one another, Yuuri’s smile grew wider when he felt Victor’s fingers try to tickle him. He tried to subtly elbow Victor while stifle his laughter at the same time. The picture taking process seemed to last _forever_ and with every passing second, Yuuri was on the verge of breaking out into tears and laughter. His elbowing probably got so obvious that the waiter just snapped a couple of shots and returned the phone with a confused look on his face. Phichit grinned and happily scrolled through the photos.

            “Is it okay if I post this online?” 

Yuuri and Victor looked at each other and then nodded. 

' _Happy brunch!_ ' Phichit typed eagerly and then published the image. After a content sigh, he set down his phone and everyone finally got around to ordering. 

            “Ah, so you’re going to be performing with her music again?” Phichit asked and then happily spooned a mouthful of tofu pudding into his mouth. 

            “Yes, though Victor and I may adjust the program just a bit.” Yuuri took a bite of his steamed bun and almost choked when swallowing when he felt something brush against his leg.

            “That’s nice! I’m so glad the song worked out for you.” Phichit continued and then began to cheerfully gush about other things that Yuuri couldn’t quite focus on because all he could feel was Victor’s legs rubbing against his. 

Yuuri nodded as if he were attentively listening to his former rink mate and swiftly looked over at Victor. The blush on his face became more evident when he saw that Victor was just staring at him with a cup of tea in his hands. He almost jolted in his seat when he felt the side of Victor’s shoe run down his leg starting from his knee. 

            “Are you sure you’re not too hot?” Phichit suddenly asked and made Yuuri jump in his seat for real this time. 

            “O-Oh, no I’m fine.” Yuuri tried to keep his voice even and sighed a sigh of relief when Phichit accepted his answer without further investigation. 

He looked at Victor and swallowed hard when he saw that Victor was just _barely_ biting his lower lip. He raised an eyebrow and smirked at Yuuri in a teasing gesture. Yuuri exhaled shakily and took another bite of his bun as normally as possible while Victor continued to stroke his legs. 

            “Are you going to eat anything more?” Phichit directed the question at Victor, making him stop playing with Yuuri under the table. 

Victor calmly finished his cup of tea and charmed Phichit with another one of his alluring smiles. 

            “I ate a little bit before Yuuri and I came here, so I’m feeling full. But thanK—” Victor’s charm broke for a split second and his eyes widened ever so slightly. Yuuri was now rubbing _his_ legs against him.

            “Thank you for you concern.” Victor quickly picked up his sentence, a pale shade of red rising to his cheeks, and swallowed hard. 

Yuuri laughed quietly to himself and happily finished off his steamed bun.

* * *

            “Okay! Wonderful job, Yuuri!” Victor clapped his hands together and leaned further out on the side of the rink to give Yuuri a high five when he glided by. 

Yuuri beamed at Victor’s comment and happily finished the high five with a nice, crisp clap. He returned back to the center of the rink and blew some of the loose strands of hair out of his flushed face. 

            “I think I could still have a little improvement on the toe loop at the end…” He panted lightly and ran a hand through his hair. 

            “There’s always room for improvement, Yuuri, but you shouldn’t work yourself too hard either, okay?” Victor replied and then immediately coughed into his arm. 

            “Talking about working hard… are _you_ working yourself too hard?” Yuuri frowned and skated back to the edge of the rink where Victor was. 

Victor swallowed down the diluted iron taste before Yuuri touched the edge of the rink. He cleared his throat and shook his head.

            “I’ve barely been doing anything! If it weren’t for my old age I would definitely be helping you out more.”

            “Ehh? You’re nowhere near old, Victor! And you certainly don’t even look a _day_ past twenty!”

            “Is that so… You’re too kind. Then I just _feel_ old…  Like my time is running out.” The last part of Victor’s sentence came out exceptionally quiet. Yuuri detected weariness in those blue eyes and sadness at the corners of his partially smiling, crimson mouth.

            “Do you want to end today’s practice short?” Yuuri was surprised at how soft _his_ voice went after seeing Victor’s peculiar expression. 

            “No no, the competition is just five days away. We need to take advantage of as much time as we have to its best use.”

Yuuri’s forehead creased and he looked down at the glimmering ice. To be honest, he was worried about Victor. A few days after their brunch with Phichit, Victor just seemed to be out of it. He still ate little to nothing, he slept for extended periods of times and then sometimes slept not a single wink, and his face sometimes got particularly red as if he had a fever. 

            “Victor, I’m actually pretty tired myself… I think we shou—” Yuuri looked up and saw Victor suddenly shut his eyes and collapse onto the ground.

            “VICTOR!!!”

* * *

             “Is it too hot? Too cold? Do you have enough water? I can get you some more! Do you want to wear a pair of socks? Do you need more pillows? An extra blanket? Did you already take your medici—” 

Victor laughed and pulled Yuuri down onto the bed so his face was pressed against his chest.

            “You are worrying too much… It’s just a small cold.” 

Yuuri frowned and slowly shut his eyes. He filled his hands with the blanket that was covering Victor and exhaled slowly.

            “I just… I just want you to get better soon. I’m sorry I didn’t pay close enough attention to see the first signs that you caught a cold.”

Victor chuckled and began to lightly thread his fingers into Yuuri’s soft, fluffy hair. 

            “It’s not your job to look after your coach.”

            “But…” Yuuri paused and looked up at Victor’s calm face.

            “It’s my job to look after my boyfriend.” 

Victor didn’t think it was possible for his face to become redder than it already was, but surely enough it did. 

            “I can’t tell if I’m blushing and it’s the blood in my face that’s making me feel hot or if it’s the fever but,” Victor paused and sat up so he could gather Yuuri into his arms and hug him tightly. 

            “You’re too adorable. What did I do to deserve you?”

            “Pff, you’re one to talk!” Yuuri grinned against Victor’s chest and relaxed with the comforting smell that Victor surrounded him with. 

Victor hummed cheerfully and nuzzled his nose against the top of Yuuri’s head. 

            “Thank you for worrying about me. I’m sure I’ll get better soon… Especially since I have such a cute and wonderful boyfriend to take care of me. Aaaah, I’m so lucky!” Victor laughed and squeezed Yuuri tighter to his chest. 

Yuuri’s heart thrummed in his ears and he grinned from ear to ear.

_How did **he** get so lucky? _

* * *

            “How much time left?” Yuuri asked through gasps of air. He took a quick drink of water before gliding back to the center of the rink.

            “Enough time to do the whole program. You’re doing a _phenomenal_ job, Yuuri! I love how focused and hard working you’ve been these last few days!” Victor grinned and gave him two thumbs up. 

Yuuri offered a weak smile, partly because he was just so **exhausted** from practice, but genuinely glad nonetheless that Victor appeared to recover to his normal self. While he _did_ have to cut some days of practice short because he didn’t want to overextend Victor, he was glad that Victor could get more rest and become a little more energized than before. 

            “Okay! From the top!”

* * *

            “Nervous again?” Victor asked quietly as he rested his hands on Yuuri’s shoulders from behind.

            “I can feel how tense you are… relax.” He purred the words into Yuuri’s ear before giving it a quick nip.

Yuuri sighed and closed his eyes. Tomorrow was the big day—the first competition to hopefully earn a good placement and actually qualify for the Grand Prix Final. He felt more relaxed as Victor continued to tenderly rub his shoulders.

            “You’re going to do an _amazing_ job tomorrow.” Victor whispered and leaned down to kiss Yuuri on the back of the neck. 

Yuuri practically _melted_ under Victor’s touch. The original nerves he had had were entirely nonexistent, and a familiar warmth replaced it instead.

            “Thank you… H-How are you feeling?” Yuuri suddenly switched the topic and opened his eyes.

Victor pressed his lips into a thin smile.

            “Much better. Especially with you taking care of me… I don’t think I’ve ever felt this strong before!” His voice grew loud and boomed in the dimly lit room, a hidden smile laced in his words.

Yuuri laughed softly and brought a hand up to his shoulder to grab Victor’s. He nestled his face against the palm of his hand and then kissed it gently. Once. Twice. Three times.

            “Thank you, Victor… for just being you and… for always being here for me.”

Victor’s chest tightened. He hugged Yuuri from behind, indulging himself in the warmth and comfort of Yuuri’s body, and then slipped away for a moment to grab a comb. 

            “It’s my pleasure.” Victor hesitated for a second, fortunately not long enough for Yuuri to catch on to.

 _Always being here for me..._ He thought about Yuuri’s words and stopped speaking altogether.

He brought the comb to the front of Yuuri’s head and began to comb backwards through his hair. Yuuri closed his eyes and sat as still as possible.

            “I love you.” Yuuri whispered softly.

            “Hmm?”

            “I love you… I love you I love you **I**. **love**. **you**.” 

Victor stopped combing and the room fell silent. Yuuri turned around to face him and felt the color drain from his face when he saw tears falling down Victor’s face, though it seemed quite out of place with the smile that was plastered to his lips. 

            “Victor!!” Yuuri cupped his face and thumbed away some of the tears.

Victor suddenly started to laugh quietly to himself and he brought his arm up to wipe away the tears.

            “S-Sorry…” Victor stammered and swallowed hard.

Yuuri pulled Victor toward him and squeezed him to his chest.

            “Why are you sorry… stupid.”

Victor pressed his face against Yuuri and allowed his tears to be soaked by his shirt. He trembled under Yuuri’s arms and sobbed quietly. For some reason Yuuri felt tears start to well in his own eyes. He held onto Victor so tightly as if letting him go might mean he would lose him. Yuuri wanted more than anything to understand why Victor was crying, but it didn’t seem like Victor was capable to forming any coherent sentences at the moment. Instead, Yuuri sniffled, rubbed his eyes while keeping Victor close, and then proceeded to kiss Victor everywhere on his head. The top. His forehead. Each eyelid. The tears that continued to drip. His nose. His cheeks. His jaw. His chin. His lips.

            “It’s okay…” Yuuri breathed the words against Victor’s lips.

            “Everything is okay…” 

He guessed that Victor was stressed about something. It scared Yuuri to Hell and back seeing Victor cry, but after keeping him cradled in his arms and then scooping him up so they could lay on the bed together, Yuuri realized that Victor _was just a human too_. His heart ached for the remaining hours that Victor spent awake and sniffling and trying to get as close to Yuuri as possible. When Victor finally dozed off to sleep without any words to be had, Yuuri tucked Victor’s head underneath his chin and wrapped an arm securely around him. 

            “I’ll always be here for you too, okay?... Dummy…”

* * *

The Cup of China had been a difficult competition, but in the end Yuuri finished first once again. He could still hear the ringing of the crowds cheering him on and the loud, booming voice of the announcer when they read off his score. He had just _barely_ gotten first, but he got it. While he didn’t necessarily need to place first and could still very well qualify for the GPF, ranking first was an exhilarating feeling that Yuuri hadn’t felt for a while when it came to skating competitively.

He hugged Victor firmly when his score got announced, not even caring that the cameras were on him and projecting his actions to the public. After the other formalities were taken care of and everything and _anything_ involving the Cup of China was wrapped up, Victor collapsed onto the bed in their hotel room. The clouds had moved in quickly during the competition, and the sky had turned into a dark, foreboding gray by the time they returned. Any light from the sun was soaked up like a stain. Yuuri worriedly pressed a hand against Victor’s forehead despite his protests that he was feeling fine other than a little tired, and then propped Victor up against the head of the bed. 

            “Do you need any water? I think we still have a few pills from the cold medicine we bought a little while ago, I could go get those.”

            “No… I’m fine. Thank you though.” 

            “You… You don’t look fine.” Yuuri whined and pressed his hand against Victor’s face again. His cheeks were painted red again as if he _had_ a fever, but didn’t.

            “Gee, thanks.” Victor replied blandly and narrowed his eyes a bit.

            “Th-That’s not what I meant! I mean you look absolutely amazing _all_ the time, I just meant tha—”

Victor laughed at Yuuri’s babbling and gently pat his leg.

            “I know what you mean, I’m just teasing. See? I’m teasing you, and that’s something only a healthy Victor would do.” 

Yuuri knit his eyebrows together in a concerned look and puffed his cheeks out. Victor sighed and smiled gently.

            “If you still don’t believe, would it ease your mind if I asked you to do something that I know would _definitely_ make me feel better?”

Yuuri quickly nodded and folded his hands in his lap, obediently waiting for Victor’s instructions. Victor chuckled to himself at how cute Yuuri was and then shifted his position on the bed so he was laying on his stomach.

            “Could you give me a massage? My body feels a little sore… Must be the cold weather.”

            “Okay!” Yuuri chirped happily and swiftly rolled up his sleeves.

            “Aaah… You have very strong hands, Yuuri. Have you ever thought about becoming a masseur?” He teased in his usual, playful tone.

Yuuri just laughed at his comment and continued to massage Victor’s body.

Victor whined softly when Yuuri pressed into a particularly sensitive spot.

_**It hurts** … why does it hurt so much…_


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wherever you see Russian, hover over for translation!
> 
> P.S. Pardon the probably _very_ inaccurate Russian, hahah... ( **;** ￣▽￣)

It felt as is the world had wrapped itself in a blanket of snow when they arrived in Moscow. Yuuri hugged himself tighter when they arrived the front of the hotel.

            “It’s f-freezing…”

Victor grinned at Yuuri and wrapped an arm around him, pulling him closer to his body so he could hopefully share his body heat. Though the change in temperature wasn’t too significant and Yuuri’s nose was still a bright pink, he was glad that Victor seemed to be himself again.

            “Виктор!” A reporter waiting in front of the hotel brightened up when he noticed the two of them approaching the door. In turn, a whole flock of reporters crowded around him and Yuuri.

            “давно не виделись! Как ваши дела?” One of the reporters pushed a microphone up to Victor’s mouth while a photographer immediately followed with a series of bright flashes.

Yuuri’s eyes widened at the sudden flux of foreign words that Victor and the reporters exchanged. He unconsciously held onto Victor’s shirt. It wasn’t until several pairs of eyes were on him and a short break in the fluttering, conversation occurred did Yuuri realize he was so closely pressed against Victor. He was about to distance himself until Victor squeezed Yuuri’s arm and stopped him from moving away.

            “A-Ah, wha—” Yuuri’s face immediately lit up.

            “Находясь в снегу с моим любовником, как это погружает меня в особым чувством. мне это нравится.” 

Victor’s statement provoked a compelling reaction from the audience, and the clamor among the group of people grew louder. Yuuri wordlessly looked to Victor with a face of confusion, embarrassment, and mortification. What was going on? Were they talking about him? Did Victor mind being seen like this, so intimately pressed to one another? Victor seemed to read Yuuri’s mind and offered him a gentle smile and a little reassuring rub on the back. 

            “Let’s go inside, Милая моя.” Even though the first half of his sentence was incomprehensible to the reporters, the second half that Yuuri couldn’t understand triggered another wild response from the reporters, and a flurry of more questions fired out at Victor.

Once the two of them were able to get to their room without any more reporters asking Victor questions or photographing Yuuri like he was some foreign specie, Victor swept Yuuri into his arms and pressed him against the wall.

            “Vic…tor?” Yuuri blushed and tried his best to keep still while Victor buried his face into the crook of Yuuri’s neck.

            “Talking to those reporters was such a hassle.”

            “O-Oh… but you seemed to handle them so well!”

            “Ah, just a skill you learn along the way.”

            “Wh…What did you say to them?”

Victor looked up at Yuuri with a wry smirk.

            “What’s that look for?” Yuuri pouted.

            “Ты такая красивая…” Victor chuckled and pressed his forehead against Yuuri’s.

            “I’m not sure what you’re saying but whatever it is… you speaking Russian sounds incredibly attractive.” Yuuri smiled shyly and Victor let out another breathy laugh. _How could one person be so adorable_?

            “…Я буду тебя целовать.”

            “What was tha—…nn…”

Victor pressed their lips together and easily slipped his tongue into Yuuri’s mouth.

            “Nnng..” Yuuri moaned quietly as their tongues slid against one another. He swallowed and felt his mind go hazy with nothing but Victor’s sweet taste on his mind.

            “I love you… Yuuri.” Victor mumbled in between their kisses and tilted Yuuri’s head up so he could deepen the kiss.

            “Mm..I… lov…” Yuuri tried to keep up and closed his eyes when Victor’s hands began to rub up and down his sides. A louder moan escaped his lips when one of Victor’s hands snuck underneath his shirt and glided up his stomach to his chest. He shuddered and almost choked when Victor suddenly held one of his nipples between his thumb and forefinger.

            “A-Ah… Vic…” Yuuri whined softly and loosely held onto Victor’s wrist as if he were going to pull him away but had lost all strength to do so.

Victor gently sucked on Yuuri’s bottom lip and then moved to scatter several softer kisses along his jaw.

            “I love you so so _so_ much…” Victor whispered even quieter and then rested his forehead on Yuuri’s shoulder. He let his arm fall out from under Yuuri’s shirt and instead just hugged him close.

            “Victor? What’s wrong…?” Yuuri’s expression immediately dropped and he frowned instead.

            “Victor?” Yuuri repeated when the Russian made no attempt to respond.

            “Victor…” Yuuri cupped the sides of Victor’s head and gently tilted his face up. Tears were silently running down his face.

            “Victor! Victor, what’s wrong?” Yuuri swiftly wiped the tears from his face with his sleeve.

            “What’s wrong? Please tell me what’s wrong.”

 _There’s not enough time…_ Victor couldn’t think straight anymore.

            “Victor…”

 _It hurts, Yuuri…_  

            “Victor, please… what’s wrong?”

 ** _It hurts so much…_** His chest felt like it was bound and he could barely breath. Helpless.

            “What’s… please… I can’t read your mind…” Yuuri continued to cradle Victor’s face between his hands and felt his heart surge with pain at the other’s lack of response.

 _Yuuri..._ His throat closed. His tongue refused to move and it felt like a stone in his mouth. He felt so utterly helpless. 

            “Victor… what’s hurting you? Please, you can tell me. I want to help you… What’s making you hurt so badly?

             Please…”

* * *

            “A…Are you losing interest in me?” 

Yuuri paused a moment after the words left his mouth. He stared at himself in the changing room mirror and then suddenly flailed his arms and slapped a hand to his forehead.

            “Auugh!! What am I even _thinking_?! There’s no way… You’re such an idiot. How could you even possibly _think_ that Victor doesn’t lo—”

The word caught in Yuuri’s throat and his eyebrows furrowed. He swallowed hard and then let his head drop.

 _There’s no way… right?_ _Victor is just tired… Is he turning sick again? He’s been so different after coming back to Russia… He must be… he’s been sleeping so much lately and he’s still not eating enough…_

_I don’t… I don’t know what to think. He still shows up for practice and helps me with anything I ask for but…_

Yuuri crossed his arm over his chest and gripped his side.

 _He seems so distant nowadays… am I doing something wrong?_

Yuuri clenched his hands into fists so tight that his knuckles turned bleach white. He exhaled sharply and shook his head as if his thoughts could be shaken out.

Today he would try and see what the problem was.

* * *

Victor muffled his coughs into his glove, thankful that Yuuri was too concentrated on practicing his program and that the music he was skating to was louder than his lung shattering coughs. 

            “I'll be right back.” Victor called out to Yuuri in a strained voice.

            “O-Oh, wait! Victor!” Yuuri instantly stopped and breathlessly skated to the exit of the rink.

Victor forced a smile onto his face and brought a hand to his temple. He could feel a headache coming on and felt like throwing up. 

            “What is it, Yuuri? You were doing just fine!”

            “Aa.. well I just… I was just wondering if you could show me the step sequence for this particular part of the program… the one after the toe loop.” Yuuri awkwardly scratched the back of his head and looked at Victor with pleading eyes. _Please stay, Victor…_

            “Oh…” Victor’s face unconsciously darkened as his stomach stirred and the pain in his temples sharpened. 

            “Ye—” Victor’s throat tightened and his stomach flipped.

            “Your step sequence looks just fine…” He struggled to reply and glowered at the pain he was in. 

Yuuri flinched a bit as he studied Victor’s expression. He looked so… _disgusted_. Disgusted with **him**?

Yuuri felt his spirits drop and he wrung his hands together. 

            “Oh… do you think you could show me th—”

            “ _Everything looks fine already_!” Victor snapped suddenly.

He didn't want Yuuri to see him vomit his guts up. He hadn't eaten anything substantial in _days_ , and whenever he did throw up it was just his stomach fluids. Victor gagged just thinking about it and felt tears being pushed out of his eyes. He felt disgusted with himself. Not even able to push aside the pain to help Yuuri… especially when he probably needed him most. 

Yuuri grit his teeth and felt his sinuses start to burn.

 _Don’t start crying…_

            “O-Oh,” The sound came out garbled. Yuuri inhaled quickly.

            “Then h…how about the double—”

            “I said everything looks—” Victor felt the bile is his stomach begin to rapidly rise.

            “—jump. O-Or—”

            “—fine already. You need to stop worrying so—”

            “Maybe we should choose a different track?”

            “Wait, why do you think you need a different—”

            “I…I just don't think this music is too—”

            “But you’ve already pract—”

            “Are you losing interest in me?”

Victor stopped speaking.

Yuuri looked at him with wide, sad eyes and flushed cheeks. He panted softly, his heart racing from the words that had slid off his tongue with a surprising amount of ease.

            “Wha…What?” The pain that had consumed all of Victor’s body seemed to dull for a second. 

Yuuri tightened his grip on the edge of the rink and then pushed off and retreated toward the center of the rink.

            “Yuuri! What did you just ask m—” Victor choked on the word and covered his mouth. He couldn't hold on another second. He ran out before Yuuri could turn around.

When Yuuri did turn around, his whole body was shaking and the tears were already spilling down his cheeks. Something inside of Yuuri cracked when he saw that Victor was gone. 

            “Vic…” Yuuri cut himself off before he could finish the word.

He calmed his breathing, wiped away the tears, and started from the top.

* * *

            “Ah, so you must be the other Yuri.” 

A strict sounding yet elegant voice pulled Yuuri out of his pre-performance nerves. He looked up and found himself staring straight into the eyes of a very serious looking woman with narrow, judgmental eyes. He couldn’t help but quickly glance at Victor, who immediately stood up from the bench to give the lady a handshake.

            “Лилия Барановская!”

 _‘The other Yuri’? Then that means…_ Yuuri slowly stood up from his seat and unconsciously clenched his hands into fists. The moment he pieced together the connection, Yurio stepped out from behind the woman. His jaw went slack for a moment out of surprise. 

            “Yurio?! ты отлично выглядишь!” Victor beat him to sounding shocked.

The younger blond looked exceptionally different with his hair grown out. Not a bad different, but _different_. The teenager still had the same scowl perpetually carved into his delicate features, but the way he carried himself also seemed different. While Victor continued to converse with Lilia, Yuuri averted his eyes in an attempt to avoid talking to Yurio. Seeing him wasn’t making his anxiety get any better.

            “How have you been?”

Yuuri turned rigid when Yurio asked him the question, which came out sounding surprisingly less ‘ _I am always angry and yelling_ ’ like how the blond had many months ago back in Japan. 

            “I-I’ve been doing well.” Yuuri managed to stammer out.

            “How about yourself?”

            “What’s wrong with him?” Yurio ignored his miserable attempt at keeping conversation and instead made a passing glance to Victor.

            “H-Huh? What do you mean?” Yuuri asked quickly, shocked and worried that maybe others could tell their relationship had been on edge as of late. Especially since the two of them never really tied up loose ends about what transpired the other day at practice…

Yuuri watched the blond with keen attentiveness and almost broke out into a sweat until Yurio just shrugged his shoulders and jammed his hands into his jacket pockets. 

            “поза!” The stern woman suddenly snapped and to Yuuri and Victor’s surprise, Yurio immediately straightened out his back without the slightest of signs to bark back a snarky response.

            “Anyways, I hope you know I’m going to beat you today.” Yurio stated coolly, a tone that just didn’t sit well with Yuuri as he was already accustomed to seeing Yurio all fired up.

            “O...Oh.” Yuuri looked down at the ground and knit his brows together.

            “ _Oh_? Is that all you have to say?” Yurio’s voice sharpened. Yuuri looked up to find that a vexed expression now took hold of the blond’s face.

            “Did you lose your spine or something during your training with Victor?”

            “I…”

            “You’re such a _joke_. And here I thought you could actually give me some sort of competition.” Yurio scoffed.

            “…” 

            “приехать.” Lilia instructed and Yurio gave Yuuri one last glare before trotting after his coach.

 _Ah…_ Yuuri looked down at the ground again. He suddenly felt very empty inside.

 _Maybe he **had** lost his spine during his time with Victor. His heart ached now every time Victor addressed him. Maybe he just needed a break away from him. He needed to focus on the competition. Not Victor. Not whatever was going on between the two of them. Just the competition._  

            “Yuuri.” Victor placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.

            “Is everything okay?”

Yuuri pressed his lips together into a thin line.

            “Yes.”

            “… Yuuri.” Victor’s voice deepened and Yuuri felt the male’s cool fingers tilt his chin up so he could see his eyes.

            “If I’ve done anything wrong… I’m sorry.”

Yuuri’s throated constricted.

            “Ok.” Yuuri mumbled and turned away from Victor.

* * *

Yuuri found himself lingering outside of the arena in the numbing cold after his performance. He was in third place with other skaters, including Yurio, who had still yet to perform. There was no doubt he was going to drop further down the ranks once the competition finished. During his performance, Yuuri simply couldn’t gather his mind to think straight and focus. Everything seemed to be fogged.

            “Yuuri!”

The sound of snow crunched under Victor’s feet as he jogged to where Yuuri was standing. 

            “Why are you standing out here? It’s freezing! You could catch a cold.”

            “…” Yuuri wrapped his arms closer to his body.

            “Yuuri?”

            “Victor, I…” Yuuri swallowed hard and forced his gaze to the ground. His forehead creased as his mind desperately attempted to file through his thoughts. Was it his fault? Was he just blowing things out of proportion? What was wrong with him? Why did he feel so **empty**?

            “Oh…” Victor laughed softly and softly laced his arms around Yuuri’s waist.

            “It’s okay that you are in third place. You are still going to be able to participate in the Finals.”

            “It’s not about that…” Yuuri muttered so quietly that his breath died on his lips before Victor could hear what he had said.

            “Hm? What was that?”

            “…Victor.”

            “Yes?”

            “If I… If you don’t like me anymore, you don’t have to keep on pretending.”

            “W-What?”

Yuuri pushed Victor’s arms off of him and took a step back.

            “These past few months… I know you’ve been having it very hard because you got sick and…” His voice trembled and he could barely look at Victor’s face without wanting to cry.

            “But if you just don’t want to be my coach anymore, let me know.”

            “ Yuuri, I don’t… understa—”

            “ **Why are you always gone!** ” Yuuri suddenly raised his voice. 

            “Y…Yuuri, I…” Victor tried to reach toward him.

            “I GET IT! I get it. If you… if you really don’t want to be around me anymore then just say so rather that making it so painful for the both of us.” He moved further away from Victor.

            “You’ve got it wrong, Yuuri! That’s not what I—” 

            “Then **why**?! Why aren’t you there for me anymore? Why do you barely come to practice! And when you do come, why do you leave so often? If I’m such a _pain_ , then don’t e-even bother!”

            “Yuuri, you’re not listening to me!”

            “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LISTEN IF YOU’RE NEVER THERE!?”

He didn’t know what he was saying. His mind was spinning so quickly that he just spit out whatever first rolled off his tongue. He wanted to leave. He wanted to go back home. Go back to a time before Victor had anything to do with him. He just needed to go somewhere that _didn’t_ remind him of Victor so his heart would hurt less, which consequently proved to be incredibly difficult because after the past months… **everything** reminded him of Victor. A lump formed in his throat and he suddenly felt like crying. 

            “Yu—”

Yuuri pushed past Victor in the blink of an eye and ran back into the building. 

            “YUURI!”

Victor shouted and chased after him. Just as he was rounding a corner, he ran straight into another person and almost knocked them down to the ground. Before he could catch his breath, Victor found himself holding tightly onto Yurio. 

            “V-Victor?”

            “Ah… Yur…” He panted lightly and let go of the blond. A wave of dizziness washed over him. He swayed to the side and pressed his hand against the wall for support.

            “O-Oi, Victor!” Yurio helped hold onto the other to keep him steady. He frowned and quickly looked around to see if anyone was around who could help them.

Victor suddenly pulled Yurio closer to him and practically crushed the blond to his chest. 

            “Wha…What’s wrong!? Are you okay??” Yurio felt blood rush into his cheek as he was unexpectedly pressed against Victor. 

            “I don’t… I don’t know what to do.” Victor whispered and squeezed Yurio tightly. Yurio could feel Victor shaking against him.

When he looked up, he felt a tear drop onto his cheek.

* * *

            “Katsuki Yuuri!” A voice rung out in a heavy Russian accent.

Yuuri stopped abruptly in his track and looked up to find a reporter walking briskly toward him.

            “конькобежец Katsuki!” Another voice chimed and soon Yuuri could see a whole group of reporters rounding the corner. 

            “что случилось Cегодня?” A different frantic sounding voice asked. Yuuri started to walk the other direction, his face turning red by the second as he held his breath.

            “Подождите! Подождите!!"

Yuuri picked up his pace and took a sharp turn to the left. The group of chattering foreigners sounded closer and Yuuri’s gut twisted. He could feel the tears well in his eyes and threaten to break any second. Thankfully he saw a sign pointing to the bathroom near the end of the hall and made a fast break for it. He sprinted all the way through the doors and into one of the empty stalls, slamming the stall door shut and fumbling with the metal lock for just a second before the tears burst and trickled down his face in fast torrents.

_Why was this happening to him?_

Yuuri sobbed and let out a pitiful croak that echoed in the stall and bounced back into his ears. He ground his teeth together and futilely wiped at the incessant stream of hot tears.

_Why was everything going so **wrong**?_

His mind turned into a haze when his breath turned into short, uneven sobs. He felt like he was breathing twice with each inhale, causing him to make choppy, strangled sort of gasps, and his chest felt like it had an enormous, unbreakable weight on it.

_Why why why why why?!_

The thick plastic of the stall door shook violently and seemed to indent when someone on the other side kicked in. The metal lock bent slightly and Yuuri’s entire body froze. Talk about déjà v—

            “ублюдок!!”  

            “ **OPEN THIS DAMN STALL BEFORE I BREAK THE FUCKING DOOR DOWN AND DRAG YOUR ASS OUT HERE!** ” Yuuri could hear Yurio’s voice on the other side of the stall. 

He stared wide eyed at the door as Yurio shouted. His legs felt stiff and uncooperative. His arms were glued to his sides. 

            “дерьмо!” Yurio screamed wildly and kicked at the door again, this time actually breaking the lock altogether.

Yuuri shuffled backward with what little space he had before the back of his knee hit the rim of the toilet seat. He seemed to have lost all knowledge of speaking because Yuuri just couldn’t find anything to say in response to the fuming blond. Yurio slammed the door open and made a swift lunge for the collar of Yuuri’s shirt.

            “ **I told you before and I wished you had listened…”** Yurio’s voice dropped to a harsh whisper that grated against his tongue. He gripped Yuuri’s collar with an intense rage and pulled him out of the stall, swinging him into the tiled wall. 

            “ **INCOMPETENTS LIKE YOU SHOULD’VE RETIRED**!” Yurio’s voice exploded again and magnified in sound in the spacious bathroom. 

Yuuri winced when he collided with the wall, but he remained silent otherwise. He let Yurio continue to roughly push him around because in truth… he wanted to distract himself from the pain in his heart. Did that make him a coward? Yurio seemed to think so when he shoved Yuuri against the wall and raised his right fist high in the air.

            “ **JUST LOOKING AT YOUR GODDAMN, SNIVELING, PATHETIC FACE MAKES ME WANT TO THROW UP!** ”

Yuuri flinched, closed his eyes, and clenched his jaw when Yurio swung his fist down. 

            “…” 

No pain blew up anywhere in Yuuri’s face. He peeked his eyes open and saw that Yurio had connected his punch to the wall behind him. The side of Yurio’s fist just barely grazed his ear. When his eyes focused on the blond, Yurio had his head hung low. His shoulders were trembling. 

            “You…” He snapped his head up to look at Yuuri.

            “fucking, _inconsiderate_ asshole…” Tears dripped from his icy eyes.

Yuuri’s ears echoed like the way seashells do. He barely blinked and only stared at Yurio with a shocked and confused expression. He tried to clear his throat and gently reached out to touch his shoulder.

            “Yur—” 

            “ **DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!** ” Yurio snarled fiercely and sharply smacked Yuuri’s hand away.

The tears continued to drip messily and Yurio’s face quickly seemed to puff up in red. He was by no means an attractive crier, if that even existed, but somehow with all the pushing and shoving and screaming, Yurio’s looked more disheveled and exhausted than Yuuri appeared to be.

Yuuri withdrew his hand and gently gnawed on his lower lip.

            “Wha-What’s wrong…” His voice came out as a small squeak.

Yurio staggered backwards. He wiped away some of the tears with the back of his hand and glared at Yuuri.

            “ **What’s. _Wrong?_** ” A hysterical laughed fell from his lips and landed on the floor with an ugly _clunk_.

            “How could you be so **oblivious** and **unappreciative**! After _everything_ he has done for you?!” 

            “What are you…” 

            “YOU DON’T DESERVE HIM!” 

            “…”

            “You don’t deserve him…”

            “Him? A-Are you talking about Vic…” 

Yurio punched the wall again and Yuuri could see the skin on his knuckles split and turn red.

            “HE’S SUFFERING BECAUSE OF YOU! ALL BECAUSE OF **YOU!** YOU SPINELESS, INCONSIDERATE PIECE OF SHIT! IT’S NO WONDER VICTOR LOOKED SO ILL WHEN I SAW HIM! AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE OR SEE ANYTHING WRONG! HOW SELFISH CAN YOU BE?!!” Yurio’s voice held onto him, as if possessing fingernails. He pressed it into his flesh until Yuuri’s mind clicked.

 _Suffering?_ _Victor? Because of **him**? _ Yuuri’s mind instantly exploded with questions and worry.

            “W-Wait! Please, tell me what’s wrong with Victor!” 

Yurio suddenly closed the distance so that the tip of his nose barely grazed Yuuri’s. He looked into his face with hard, hate-filled eyes. Yuuri’s body felt like it froze over.

* * *

 Yurio left the bathroom first and wandered down the hall. He felt lightheaded from screaming so much and trying to get through Yuuri’s thick skull.

            “Юрий! **Where** have you been?”

He looked up and saw Lilia fuming.

            “You’re almost up! Come here, we need to get you ready. You look horrible.”

Yurio was surprised that the old woman managed to clean him up so well after finding him with swollen, red eyes, a running nose, and a tangled mop of hair. As he glided to the center of the rink he exhaled in slow increments until he could focus on nothing but the pulse of heart.

When the music started, he started off slowly, circling around the rink with a fluid step sequence. He looked as if he were sailing right along the glassy ice and the crowd cheered when he landed one of his combinations with ease. In spite of Yurio’s habitual reaction to criticize the audience for being too easily amazed by such simple things, Yurio’s mind was someplace else. 

_“I don’t know how much time I have left…”_

Victor’s words echoed in his mind and his chest started to contract with an unknown pain. Even after Victor had told him everything, Yurio couldn’t help but want to hug Victor tighter. Wanted to be the one Victor could rely on. Not Yuuri.

 _“Victor… watch me. I’ll skate for you_. _I’m better than Yuuri.”_

 _“I’m sorry, Yurio… but Yuuri…”_

Yurio’s eyes turned watery as he continued to skate through his program.

            **_Crap crap_** _… I can’t start crying during my performance._

Yurio inhaled sharply and forced his mind to focus on his next jump.

            _“I need to find him now. And Yurio—Yuri? Thank you…”_

Yurio bit his tongue and tried to hold back his tears. This feeling in his chest. The ache that made him want to break down and cry even during such an important competition. This was what unconditional love meant in spite of a rejection.

This was… Yurio’s _agape_. 

            “The score for Plisetsky Yuri... 292.98. He is currently in first place.”

* * *

  ** _God_** _, how could he be so **stupid**?_

Yuuri skidded down the hallway and rushed past the group of prowling reporters. He didn’t stop when they called after him and didn’t stop when they stopped following him. He just more than anything needed to find…

            “Vict—”

            “—uuri!" 

Yuuri tackled Victor to the ground and cradled him in his arms.

            “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry…” He started to cry and pressed Victor tightly against him.

            “I’m sorry I’ve been such an inconsiderate ass and that I didn’t even notice how you were feeling… I’m _so_ sorry, Victor… I’m so sorry…”

Victor let out a breathy laugh and rubbed Yuuri’s back in gentle circles.

            “It’s okay, Yuuri. I understand that the competition was just giving you a lot of stress and you’re right, I should’ve been with you more often.” 

Yuuri shook his head violently, tears still running down his face, and sat the both of them up. 

            “No, no... I don’t care about that anymore… What I… is it… is it true?”

            “I-Is what true?”

            “That you’re… that…” Yuuri sobbed and buried his face into Victor’s jacket.          

            “You’re sick?” The question came out muffled.

            “O-Oh! Well I did catch a cold back in China, you know that.” 

            “No! Victor! Stop avoiding the topic! If you’re in pain… if you’re in **real** pain you _need_ to tell me.” Yuuri quickly whipped his head up from Victor’s jacket and looked at him with pleading eyes.

Victor fell silent and his lips slowly pressed together into a frown. 

            “Did… Yurio tell you?”

Yuuri nodded. Victor sighed quietly and slowly reached up to wipe away some of Yuuri’s tears. 

            “I don't think I've ever realized the gravity of the situation until now…

            And to be honest I wasn't expecting this disease to catch up and hurt me so much. I've been so foolish and overbearingly confident that I never realized how much it would affect me…”

Victor paused and looked at Yuuri in an attempt to gauge what he was thinking and whether he wanted him to continue. Yuuri just continued to stare at him with tears sliding down his cheeks. His chest ached at the sight and he pulled Yuuri back into his chest.

            “I was diagnosed with lupus when I first started to learn how to ice skate. By the time I was fifteen I had never really experienced any sort of substantial symptoms that greatly hindered my process until one practice I overextended myself. I felt a horrible chest pain and I could barely breathe. I remember coughing up so much blood… the way it splattered onto the ice…

            Yakov had even told me to take it easy and focus on taking care of myself. I pretended I understood and ignored him anyways. I was too focused on my competitions. A year later and I was at the top of the skating world… I felt invincible. I put the increasing amounts of pain I had felt behind me. I thought I knew. I thought I was fine.” Victor’s voice broke near the end of his sentence.

            "The reason why I didn't want to tell you was because... you have so much more to focus on than just  _me_. I want you to feel as glorious as I did back then without anything dragging you down. I guess in a sense I see myself in you... is that selfish of me?" 

Yuuri gripped onto the back of Victor's jacket and shook his head. 

            "I wish you had told me sooner. I wish you hadn't spent so much time focusing on me than yourself... dummy dummy dummy!"

Victor laughed softly at Yuuri's response. His stomach churned and he sighed.

            “But now I’ve really run out of time.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooooooo, my lovely readers! (^o^)/
> 
> I cannot thank you all enough for the support and patience you've given me during the progression of this fic!!! It's unfathomable to think that people actually want to read my fics, and I cannot express the joy I feel whenever I receive such wonderful comments and feedback! My heart bursts with love for you all (˘̩̩̩⌣˘̩̩̩๑)♡
> 
> So without further ago, here are the final chapters!

         “Yuuri!” Victor called out toward the two figures on ice.

A blond head turned first, instantly followed by black. Ever since Victor’s confession, Yuri had made it his personal mission to stick close by and practice with Yuuri whenever Victor wasn’t around (which happened to be quite often). The Russian was by no means on ‘good terms’ with the other Yuuri since they were still competitors, but news of Victor’s health was enough to make Yuri swallow his hatred and play nice. He didn’t want Yuuri to misunderstand him though; he was only doing it for Victor’s sake. 

         “Ah… Yuri, it’s nice to see you! I was actually, uhm.” Victor offered a weak wave and then pointed a gloved finger at Japan’s Yuuri. 

         “Oi, pig. He’s calling for you, pay attention.” Yuri’s cheeks pinged with heat when he caught Victor’s gaze, consequently forcing him to immediately look away and skate further from the rink’s entrance. 

Yuuri’s chest swelled with relief when he saw Victor smiling at him. He swiftly glided toward the exit and immediately fell into Victor’s arms, tightening his embrace around the other. He smelled of unscheduled naps. 

         “How are you feeling?” Yuuri finally asked softly and brushed some stray locks of hair out of Victor’s face. 

Victor pulled his lips into a smile. 

         “Better.” He lied.

         “Better now that I get to see you.” He told the truth. 

Yuuri hummed and pressed a gentle kiss to Victor’s jawline. 

         “I’m very happy to see you too, but what are you doing here? You should be resting.” 

         “I know. I just couldn’t stay cooped up in the hotel any longer. I _needed_ to see you.” Victor closed his eyes and reveled in the warmth that radiated off of Yuuri. 

         “Oh-kay.” Yuuri blushed and nodded his head as if Victor’s answer made sense. Well of course it made sense but did his mind register it correctly before it turned to mush and his heart started to pound against his chest?

         “And… I think I’m feeling better enough to help you practice.”

Yuuri’s face immediately turned grim. He slid his hands from Victor’s back to the sides of his arms.

         “Wha—no, you really don’t have to! You can’t put any more stress on your body, Victor.” 

         “I… I’m feeling better though. I want to help, I feel useless just lying in bed all day.” 

         “You’re always useful! J-Just knowing that you’re here to cheer me on… I want you to focus on your health.” Yuuri spoke exasperatedly and tensed his grip. 

Victor let out a quiet chuckle. His chest bloomed with warmth as he watched Yuuri work himself up and get worried about him. Without warning, he closed the distance between their mouths and captured the gasp from Yuuri’s lips.

A loud crash rapidly broke their intimacy and caused the both of them to look at where the noise originated. Yuri was hunched over on the other side of the rink, clutching onto the side rail for support. 

         “Everything okay, Yuri?” Victor called out first. 

         “I’m fine, stupid! Stop talking to me, I’m trying to focus.” Yuri snapped back, unable to look at either of them in the face.

Victor and Yuuri shared a quiet laugh when they looked back at each other. Just as Victor was about to ask if Yuuri was ready to get back onto the ice, his face contorted into a grimace.

         “Victor?!” Yuuri jumped on the action and held the male tightly. 

Yuri’s ears pricked at the worry in Yuuri’s voice and he skated toward them in swift glides.

         “I-uh…” The guttural noise left Victor’s throat as he lost feeling in his legs. 

It was like his lungs had turned to stone and could no longer expand with air.

The world blurred when he fell, and all he could make out was both of the Yuri’s distressed faces hovering over his before total darkness enveloped his vision. 

* * *

Victor woke up for the third time in the hospital room. The first time was brief and fragmented in his memory, consisting of frantic voices and fast paced movements. The second time was when a doctor and nurse were in the room; he wished he hadn’t woken up to them. The third and final time was when he saw Yuuri slumped in a chair, eyes closed, beside his bed. 

         “Y…Yuuri.” Victor spoke with chapped lips, propping himself up, and weakly reached out to touch him. 

The male jolted at the noise and let out a surprised cry. Yuuri roughly grabbed Victor’s hand, too excited by the fact that he was awake to gauge how much strength he was using, and then instantly loosened his grip.

         “H-Here, drink some water!” He grabbed a glass with his free hand from the table next to him and brought it up to Victor’s lips. 

         “Thank you…” Victor murmured softly once he was done. He settled back onto the mass of pillows that Yuuri helped gather for him so he didn’t have to strain his neck to look at him. 

         “How are you?” Victor asked the question that was burning Yuuri’s mind. 

Cradling both of Victor’s hands in his, Yuuri cast his eyes downward.

         “I’m fine.” His tone was unconvincing.

         “Yuuri…” Victor’s eyebrows knit together.

         “N-No, really!” Yuuri suddenly realized how pitiful he probably sounded and tried to perk up his voice.

         “I’m fine, I promise.” He squeezed Victor’s hands and smiled. 

They both knew he was lying but in spite of it all…Victor stared back at Yuuri and nodded. The male’s eyes were dark, warm, sad, and full of love. There was so much love in Yuuri’s eyes that it was impossible for Victor to push for the truth.

         “How are _you_?” Yuuri finally asked. 

The memory of the doctor and nurse flickered into Victor’s mind. He swallowed hard and forced his eyes to stay on Yuuri’s. 

         “I'm dying, Yuuri.”

Yuuri’s eyes grew wide like a child’s.

         “Wh-What do you mean…?”

         “The doctor has said that my organs are all too damaged and that some of them are even failing…” He paused and swallowed in an attempt to fix his dry throat.

         “I'm dying, Yuuri.” The words came out as a hoarse whisper.

         “Please don't say that.” Yuuri’s eyes began to sting and his throat seemed to close.

Victor gave a hard, bitter laugh despite the soft sorrow that was nestled in his eyes. 

         “I'm sorry.” He weakly squeezed Yuuri’s hand.

         “It's just weird to think that it's actually happening… I thought I would’ve had more time.”

The tears finally welled up to the point where they broke, and Yuuri turned into a sobbing mess. He crashed forward so his forehead was pressed against the mattress and the top of his head just barely touched Victor’s side.

         “I'm sorry… please don't cry, Yuuri.” Victor brought the back of Yuuri’s hand to his lips.

 _This can't be happening_. Yuuri sobbed into the bed.

         “Pl-Please… just say you're joking… Please…”

 _Please say you're fine._  

Victor chuckled softly, the warmth of his breath lingering on the back of Yuuri’s hand. Suddenly Yuuri felt even warmer droplets of water soak into his skin. He looked up to find tears floating down Victor’s cheeks.

         “I-I'm sorry, Yuuri… Don't look at me like this, it's too embarrassing.” Victor mumbled almost incoherently through his tears. His voice was soft spoken like snow, and it crumbled and fell off the side of the bed. 

Yuuri sniffled loudly and gave Victor’s hand a hard squeeze. He leaned forward and shakily wiped some of the tears from Victor’s pale cheek with his thumb.

         “I'm scared, Yuuri.” A discordant, pitiful laugh tumbled from Victor’s lips. 

         “My heart is beating so fast, faster than the first time _I_ participated in the Grand Prix Final… I don't want to di—” His voice cracked sharply and then he fell into a sudden spell of coughs. He gripped onto Yuuri’s hand tightly and turned his head to cough into his other arm.

Immediately Yuuri reached with his free hand to grab the glass of water on the hospital bedside table. He tried to stifle his sobs and hold the water without shaking it while waiting for Victor to break the spell. The coughs were ragged and loud enough to shake Yuuri on the inside. His mind couldn't keep up anymore and started edge toward an unsettling darkness.

 _I can't do this_. He wanted to say. _Can't participate in the Final anymore. Can't do **anything** anymore. How can I when my idol… the love of my life… my best friend…_  

Victor wordlessly thanked him and took the glass of water. Yuuri set the glass back down when he was done and then watched in a painful silence while Victor wiped away his own tears. Then, as if he has read his mind, he looked at Yuuri with hard eyes.

         “You **must** still skate tomorrow.”

         “No—” 

         “Yes.”

Victor’s eyes grew dark and the creases in his forehead deepened. 

         “This is what you’ve been training for.”

         “I don’t care!” Yuuri cried loudly and grasped both of Victor’s hands tightly.

         “How could you even tell me that I have to go tomorrow when y-you’re here! Do you not realize how much you **mean** to me?” Yuuri’s voice grew into a blend of sobs and shouts.

         “I love you so much, Victor, even before I realized what I was feeling was love. Do you understand? I can’t just…” Yuuri heaved and brought Victor’s cold hands to his damp cheeks. He sniffed loudly and squeezed his hands.

         “I can’t just leave you like this… I can’t leave you when you need me the most… When _I_ need you the most. I want to stay by your side… forever. I know I’m clumsy and moody and clingy bu-but I love you so much and… please, Victor… Let me stay…”

Victor felt a lump form in his throat. He stared at Yuuri with big, glossy eyes and then let his head fall back. He pulled his hands away from Yuuri’s and draped one arm over his face. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. _Everything hurt_. **Why did everything have to hurt so much?**

         “Yuuri…” The name slipped off of Victor’s tongue in a mere breath.

         “I won’t force you to go… it’s not like I _can_ force you… but isn’t **this** your dream? Isn’t **this** what you wanted to be doing ever since you were young?” 

         “You’re wrong.” Yuuri struggled to find his voice. 

         “My dream… my dream was to be able to skate in the same rink as you and to see you… to see you and meet you and get to know you and I-I’ve done just that… More than that! You’ve… You’ve given me so so _so_ much more than I deserve, Victor… I never imagined tha-that…”

Victor looked back at Yuuri and his heart broke seeing him like this.

         “Ple…Please don’t do this to me.” Victor’s voice was soft and trembling: a pleading child’s.

         “Do. Do what!?” Yuuri snapped between his tears.

         “ **You’re** the one who can’t be doing this to me! Please, Victor, I _need_ to stay by your side.”

         “No, Yuuri. You must. You must…” Victor struggled to find his voice.

         “You must know that I want more than anything in the world to have you by my side forever! But… you need to skate tomor—”

         “SO THEN WHY!” Anger broke Yuuri’s voice like twigs underfoot.

         “ **Why** are you doing this, Victor?! If you want me by your side as much as I want you by mine… why are you pushing me away?” 

Victor gaped at Yuuri.

He grabbed the front of his shirt and jerked him toward him, pushing their lips together.

         "я буду по тебе скучать."

         “Wh-What?” Yuuri’s voice had died down to a whisper.

         “It means…” Victor paused and he kissed Yuuri again, softer this time.

         “I love you.

So please… skate for _me_ tomorrow. Skate for me and win gold and then we can be together forever, okay?” 

Yuuri started to cry again, not realizing when he had stopped, and hugged Victor close.

         “I will.”

* * *

 <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_mzUcRKq3Q> 

(Read as slow as you want to the music or as fast as you want and then just keep the music going or stop once you're done)

 

As Yuuri skated, Victor was present everywhere and visible nowhere.

 

He had felt like this all his life.

 

Victor was always there with him whether as his childhood idol or even by miracle, his coach.

 

Victor Nikiforov was many things but at that very moment as Yuuri glided so smoothly along the ice without fear and so full of love…

 

Victor

                               was

                                                                   Yuuri’s

 _everything_.

* * *

 

He bolted for the changing room just so he could kick off his skates and slip into his sneakers. He didn’t care if he looked ridiculous in his skating outfit; he needed to be back by Victor’s side to tell him the news. His body was thrumming was excitement.

When he arrived the hospital, the front was crowded by an absurd amount of reporters.

         “Hey, that’s Katsuki Yuuri! The one being coached by Vi—” The reporter’s voice was drowned out by an immediate clamor from all the other reporters and photographers. 

         “P-Please…” Yuuri struggled to push through the crowd of shouting people and bright flashes of light.

 He stumbled through the hospital doors and fell onto the tiled floor. Hospital guards who were tasked with preventing the reporters from coming in looked down at Yuuri with stern expressions. Yuuri scrambled to his feet and felt his cheeks flush with heat. He looked absolutely ridiculous with his hair so rumpled like an unmade bed, a pair of dirty sneakers fit for a child, and a glittery, skin-tight skating outfit. The oddity of how he looked momentarily stunned the guards, fortunately granted Yuuri enough time to gather his mind and make a sprint for the elevator.

 The doors shut before the guards even had a chance of catching him. Yuuri collapsed against the wall and barely hung on to the rail to keep him from lying on the ground. His pulse was still racing from having finished his performance not even ten minutes ago. It didn’t help that he had to exert more of his energy to run away from the guards as well as push through all those report…ers…

 A shock gripped Yuuri’s heart. His breath grew louder as he tried to get more oxygen to his brain. 

When the elevator bell dinged and the doors opened, Yuuri felt the world close in on him. The hallways were entirely empty. He stepped forward and walked down the hallway where Victor’s room was.

His shoes seemed to be the only sound in the entire building. 

When he stopped in front of Victor’s closed door, something rapidly seeped into Yuuri’s body and paralyzed him. Apprehension generated in that awful way. Throat and mouth. Air became sand.

_I used to feel so alone while in the rink but…_

Yuuri’s hand felt numb against the door handle.

_Now that Victor’s here, that’s totally changed. Now everything feels so new._

He turned his wrist slowly and opened the door. Darkness spilled out from the room.

_I don't know how long Victor will stick around…_

He pushed the door open.

_So please, God..._

The moon peered down through the glass window and dripped a splash of white onto the lower half of the bed. Yuuri took a hesitant step toward the bed and peered through the darkness. 

         “V…Victor?” He whispered softly and went to the side of the bed. 

         “Victor, I just finished my performance and I… I won… I won the Grand Prix Finals. G-Gold.” His voice trembled and broke by the time he finished his sentence. He crashed to his knees. 

         “B-But for some reason I don’t feel too happy about it?” His voice was nearly inaudible.

         “Stupid, right? I must sound like a spoiled child to you. Not happy about winning…” The tears fell down onto the blanket and soaked into the fabric.

         “Hey…Victor… won’t you wake up?” He knew.

         “W-Wake up… please…” He knew and couldn’t accept. **Wouldn’t** accept. 

He reached out to grab Victor’s hand.

Cold.

So…

_Cold._


	7. Chapter 7

Yuuri was sick.

He was sick and tired of everything.

Sick and tired of news reporters pestering him.

Sick and tired of obnoxious headlines like, ' _WORLD’S TOP FIGURE SKATER, VICTOR NIKIFOROV, MURDERED BY APPRENTICE YUURI KATSUKI?_ '

Sick and tired of the countless of calls asking him about funeral arrangements.

And most especially… sick and tired of crying too much. 

By the time Yuuri had returned to his home in Japan, it had been almost a month since the end of the Finals. His heart was still somewhere else even when his family greeted him with the best and warmest smiles they could manage.

On his third day back home, Yuuri had barely left his room more than four times. He kept his curtains pulled, his luggage scarcely unpacked, and his sniveling self under the covers cuddled against Makkachin. The unsuspecting dog didn’t know better, leaving Yuuri to wander into the room where Victor had stayed several months ago, only to return without its original owner. It wasn’t until the fifth day when the dog had left Yuuri and returned with a knock on his door.

Yuuri, utterly confused and almost about to cry fresh tears than the ones that stained his face from hours before, scrambled out of bed and slammed his door wide open.

His mother stood before him with Makka happily nuzzling her arm.

         “Yuuri…” 

         “M-Mom…?” The sound of his own voice startled him. 

         “Yuuri, why don’t you come outside for a little bit? The weather is wonderful outside.”

         “O…Oh… No, it’s fine mom… I’m not feeling so well.” Yuuri clutched onto his door handle and slowly moved it shut again. 

         “Yuuri, please!” His mom suddenly cried out.

         “Please… come outside… It hurts my heart to see my baby so sad…” Her eyes began to turn teary. 

         “Oh, mom…” Yuuri’s forehead creased and he took one step out of his door.

         “I-I’m sorry… I didn’t…” 

         “It’s okay…” The woman recovered, wiping her eyes for a quick second, and then offered her son a soft smile.

         “Just please take care of yourself, okay? Come out whenever you’re ready… and I think I should give this to you now.” She produced an envelope from her pocket and placed it directly into his hands. 

         “I love you, Yuuri.”

         “I love you too, mom.” 

Yuuri smiled sadly, watched his mother turn away with Makkachin following after her heels, and then closed the door.

‘ _Yuuri_ ’

The letters on the envelope were scrawled in a neat and distinctive cursive. Dizziness washed over Yuuri and his knees went weak for a second. He quickly grabbed his coat, slipped on his sneakers, and went out. 

The lulling sound of waves continuously crashed onto the beach while Yuuri took his seat in the sand. This was where Victor first teased about becoming his lover. The memory quickly materialized into his mind and soon, everything about it felt vivid. Yuuri could recall the feeling of when he almost choked on air at Victor's confession, and when his eyes began to sting and his nose burned. He could remember hugging Victor tightly, burying his face into the other’s neck, the comforting smell that was infiltrating his nose.

Yuuri tore himself away from the memory, suddenly not wanting to remember anymore.

He stared across the wide expanse of water and then looked up to the sky to see it gradually absorb the night like spilled ink on paper. Then, taking the envelope out of his pocket, Yuuri opened it and began to read the familiar writing inside. 

 _My dearest Yuuri,_    

> _If you're reading this letter and I haven't stopped it from getting into your hands... then I fear the worst has happened. My! I never would have imagined my death to come so soon. I knew it was going to come_ **_eventually_ ** _,_ _but I thought maybe I would have some time left. I probably shouldn't focus on that too much though right now, and even as I'm writing this letter it's difficult to focus on such a dreary topic because you're sleeping next to me right now! You are **soooooooo** adorable; it really does bring tears to my eyes. Let's see... in just a couple of hours we are going to be flying to China!!! I'm still very proud of you, Yuuri, for your amazing hard work and performance this past week. I'm still proud of you now!!! Right this second as you read these words. I don't think there will ever be a moment where I'm _ **_not_ ** _proud of you._
> 
> _I also don't think there will ever be a moment where I don't love you._
> 
> _It's only been recent since I formally told you these words, but they've always been on my mind, in my heart, and on the tip of my tongue ever since I met you. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? I just can't help myself around you though, I love you I love you I LOVE YOU!_
> 
> _And I will never stop loving you. Okay, Yuuri? Even if I'm not with you, I will. Always. Love. You._
> 
> _So wherever you are right now, however long it's been since I last spoke to you, whatever has happened... please take care of yourself, Yuuri (but not too many katsudons!), and please know that I'll be with you in spirit. There's no way a person like me will disappear that easily, and I won't let_ **_you_ ** _go that easily either. You are something else, Yuuri Katsuki, so please continue your hard work and show others what you have shown me: love._
> 
> _Now go! I'm guessing you haven't put on your skates in a little while and as a professional skater, you must be practicing every day!_
> 
> _Tighten up your laces and announce to the world that you're not backing down!_
> 
> _And always remember, Yuuri Katsuki..._

_I love you._

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **RUNS AWAY TO CRY HIDEOUSLY**
> 
>  
> 
> I still can't get over how _perfect_ the ending of the anime was and just aaa;nosLDJSfnaejlrzksgnalKJSrgnljkzfgnvalzdfkjgnldakjg what a good anime ｡･ﾟﾟ･( ≧~≦)･ﾟﾟ･｡
> 
> Thank you for sticking around and for reading this story to the end!  
> It really means a lot to me when you leave a comment or give this work a kudos, but it really means a lot more to me considering the fact that you've even read one of my works!  
> I am so grateful to have such kind supporters, and I'd just like to thank you all for also bearing with any potential discrepancy in characterization of the various characters I have made!
> 
> Nevertheless, thank you for sticking around and I hope you have a phenomenal remainder of the day! PleASE FEEL MY LOVE LIKE HOW TANGIBLE VICTUURI'S LOVE IS  
>   
> P.S. If you have any requests/would like to read about a certain event or AU feel free to leave a comment or message me on my [Tumblr](http://solotrooper.tumblr.com)!


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